Month: May 2020

ALL THINGS BEING EQUAL

TOGETHER SEPRERATELY!

All things equal today is a great day.  Even if I woke up this morning (Saturday of Memorial Day Weekend 2020) still living in quarantine.  Even if I woke up this morning and I still had Lung Cancer and even if I woke up this morning feeling uncertain about what is in store for the next few weeks, months, and years.  None of that matters, because I am certain that with All Things Being Equal I would still have woken up today feeling positive about the future, hopeful about life, and willing to make choices that consider all rather than one.  That’s my way.  Sometimes, I don’t always get my way, but that never stops me from trying.

Today I participated in an intimate zoom call with 40,000 other people and OPRAH – so I guess 40,000 and 1.  The topic centered on relationships during self-quarantine and social distancing.Before it started, I thought I had a pretty good handle on this subject – with regards to me, but it turns out – Not so much. 

I am a social animal. I love people.  I can talk to anyone.  I usually find a connection of some kind (my friends’ joke that while it maybe 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon it’s usually only 4 degrees of Carol).  I can find interest in something someone is saying almost always; though, I am not Gandhi – I have had a few times in life where I was in a place, event, or gathering, and I just wanted to run screaming from the monotony or the boredom or, worse, both.  But, when all of the Quarantini parties started, or re “zoom” ions or Friday Night Cocktails and Chats started, it wasn’t easy for me to get on board – it seemed to highlight that we were isolated.  Don’t get me wrong, I participated for a bit, but I felt the absence of presence.  Scott was my only presence 24/7.  Excluding our Honeymoon – I don’t really think we have ever been together that much EVER.

At the beginning of the quarantine, all was fine – it was new, and our underlying belief was that it wouldn’t last that long kept us moving forward easily.  After the 3rd week, I got that there was going to be a lot of Scott and I.  I didn’t always feel great (the chemo did that) but I did my best to hide that.  I still wanted to be social.  Go to the store.  Social distance on a walk; but my needs to be social were equaled by Scott’s desire to not be social. He and I were at odds over this.  I have since learned that this opposition in feelings is shared by many.  Couples everywhere were dealing with this same E-quotient divide.

In this group of 40,000, 1 couple openly shared their experience on this exact topic.  It was as if they were talking directly to me. Before the virus hit, they were a couple, a unit, a team, a partner, and a spouse.  They were all of the things couples are supposed to be – but what they weren’t supposed to be is those things 24 hours a day 7 days a week.  We are all supposed to get breaks, moments to recharge, moments of separation, and lives where all boundaries don’t keep overlapping on all sides.  This was what I needed, what I wanted…from Scott, and I didn’t know how to tell him.

By early April my irritation, impatience, and flat out annoyance began to appear in not always so pleasant ways – though, admittedly, I didn’t see it.  I found a way to pick at Scott for just sighing the wrong way. I was feeling the effects of solitude – but hadn’t acknowledged them yet.  Going through cancer during Coronavirus made me feel isolated on a visceral level.  On treatment days I had to be alone – arrive alone, wait alone, and be treated alone.  It was hard work keeping my s**t together – which sometimes I couldn’t but worked hard to wipe off any signs of unsteadiness by the time I was home.   I am not willing to show anything but optimism.  That is as much for him as it is for me.  I know how nervous he gets when he has to go out.  He fears that he will bring something back into the house that could make me sick, which is sweet – but I wouldn’t allow l myself to think that way.  Sometimes I just needed a break from the togetherness.  Neither of our personalities were very supportive of what the other needed at this moment.

Very soon after this, I reached the pinnacle of my annoyance. I needed a roadmap to help me help us off this path.  At this very moment I realized I needed to take a step back and see that we were both going through this together, just in separate ways.  Just because our reactions are different doesn’t mean that one of us is affected less than the other.  ALL THINGS BEING EQUAL, we are both internalizing and externalizing our feelings in our own and very different ways: As it should be, since our personalities are very different.  And on any other given day – this is what I would want because this fact is what makes us work so well together. 

It was an eye-opening realization.  I am always so willing to share my insides with those on the outside.  It is a part of me that I am so proud.  But my insides got a bit jumbled being home. My feelings had been isolated as well and they are not used to that.  I have always had an outlet for them, but zoom didn’t seem like the right medium for me, so they stayed inside me and inside my home.  Tucked away in a corner closet so to speak.  But, “you can’t put Baby in a corner” and eventually they came spilling out.  But as with so much in my life, I learned from it.  And today, as I listened to the Oprah’s Your Life in Focus: A Vision Forward Webinar – I was able to put all of this into it’s correct compartment in my mind.  Here is my take:

Oprah talked about the importance of I AM and what I AM’s can do.  What can they do you ask, well, I AM’s can set you on a path towards a goal.  I AM is the first step (or the first words) in moving towards being who we are in the best way.  Oprah used an example – “when you say I Am something…I am giving direction to an action.  We often attached it to a negative action like I am tired, I am mad, I am moody, I am overweight.” But what if we change the action to a positive one?  What if I say I AM working on gaining more strength, or I AM taking positive steps towards my own sense of purpose?  We are setting out on a path towards beneficial outcomes and ALL THINGS BEING EQUAL that is a better path to take.  I mid-April Scott and I began to work on changing our I AM, and I am happy to say it seems to be a good direction.

I AM still trying to be the “Lamp” in the room or the “ladder” by which I climb when trying to help others!  I AM still choosing to be more positive, encouraging, and assured as I can be because that direction makes me feel less shaken and stirred by the world events (and my illness).  I AM ready to emerge from this isolation softer, stronger, and more solidly united – though still physically apart.

The good thing is (you had to know there would be a good thing) that while this may not be a perfect world right now, ALL THINGS BEING EQUAL, I AM confident that we are heading towards one, and none too soon.

ALL THINGS BEING EQUAL is a good place to start!  Happy Memorial day

6:21

6:21 6/30

Ok there are a few things I can’t believe – The first is that it is May 9th and it is 33 degrees outside – COVID is snow effecting the weather as well – RIDICULOUS!  The other is that, this will be my 1st Mother’s Day without my Mom – and that is hard to believe as well.

It seems totally unbelievable inconceivable, that she passed away 11 ½ months ago but it is true.  After, it took me a few months, to return to my regular type rhythm – but I did.  Mom always found a way to pop in to my thoughts daily – and in the sweetest ways.  Like Emma saying she wanted to get on a plane because she would be closer to Grandma in heaven, or Alissa putting together the perfect “presentation outfit” for class – and it would be adorned by one of my Mom’s Clever Carriage necklaces, or Rita calling to tell me a story about how something happened that just totally reminded her of Mom – and Rita laughing at the events as though Mom was standing right there laughing with her. 

Bernice truly moved through this world like Ivy would spread up an over an old brick home – adding that touch majesty, charm and heart to what every she touched.  She naturally affixed herself to everyone she met, as did her inexhaustible energy, joy, vitality and beauty.  Her mere presence could fill stadiums.  When she left this world, I felt the Ivy begin to wilt away and with it faded some of the sparkle she spread.  As the hole began to mend, I noticed, I felt different towards things. I think, I began to look the world through her eyes – or through my eyes – but with her spin.  I couldn’t figure how that could have happened, but as I began to look back, I think I figured it out.

I know I am jumping around a little here, but let me tell you a little bit about those last moments I spent with my mom – I have replayed these moments over and over in my head – there are a few items I wish I could change, but selfishly those same events I feel blessed that they didn’t.  Specifics are not that important here and understand that some of these memories are only for me to keep, but what I can share is where and when, I believe, the transfer of love and spirit occurred. 

From the weeks we were at the hospital to the week in hospice, my brother Neil and I had a routine.  Our days started early – we wanted to be the before the shifts changed.  Get the night time update, see the Dr.’s – who were sometimes illusive – but most importantly we both wanted that to see her eyes every morning. She still possessed a bit of that ever-present twinge.  Her light still illuminating. Neil and I would take turns taking breaks.  Visitors streamed in and out daily – and we were so thankful for that.  After about 3 weeks of this, we knew it was her time to be moved hospice.  Though that didn’t alter our routine.  Scott, Matt and Alissa had come for the weekend.  While they had said their goodbyes once before – they wanted to come again. I wanted that too.  On this particular evening, Neil and Mindy had just left to go back to help Lizzy, and I was planning on meeting Neil and Mindy later for dinner.  The Scott and the kids had just texted that they were about to board and would call when they landed.  It was just Mom and I, and I loved (and hated) this time.  It was special to me and for me.  I would sit side by side with Mom. Her left hand in my right hand.  Unconsciously my thumb stroking the back of her hand.  I would half-heartedly do the crossword puzzle, and full listen to her breath.  It had a rhythm. IN, two, three, four – Hold, two, three, four – Out, two, three, four.  I could set my clock to it. We talked – okay I talked, but I believe she listened.  I told her of memories I had of the two us – which she may recall differently (but she was in no position to dispute me).  I asked her for help with the puzzle because she was, of course, the puzzle master.  On many occasions my Mom never even had to go to the down clues.   She humbly credited this ability to years and years of NYT Crossword puzzle doing – but truth is she was really, really smart – different than Neil smart (or Sheldon Smart I like to joke). Somehow through me clutching her hand, she sent me the answers – I swear, well I won’t swear to it, but I believe it to be true. 

Part of this time I would tell her what I was feeling in that moment. Yes, inevitably there were tears but these were made up of love and memories.  I confessed to my childhood wrongdoings, my teenage craziness, and my adult regrets (1 being a dress she and dad had me wear to a friend’s wedding – yuck…I still cringe at the picture).   And on this particular day, I explained to her that my love for her knew no boundaries, my admiration was all inclusive, and I was so thankful for all she gave me, taught me, and instilled in every cell, vein, and corpuscle in my body!  I told her we were linked – ALWAYS AND FOREVER and even death could not sever that.  And I then I cried and kissed her hand.  It took me a few minutes to regain my composer – but I did, I felt her presence at that moment – I was positive, but then it was gone and brushed it off as wishful thinking.  I thought I felt a peace, a contentment, a but I went back to my puzzle and listened to a chorus IN, two, three, four – Hold, two, three, four – Out, two, three, four.  At 6:15, Alissa sent a text,” about to take off.  Tell Grandma we love her.”  “I will” I wrote back.  Then turned to my mom, without thinking and/or looking “Lissy says they are about to take off and she loves you!” I looked at my phone it was 6:21. At that moment, I heard…IN, two, three, four——HOLD two, three…. four, five, six……….but there was no Out, two, three, four!  Did I miss it? I waited and waited, and for what seemed like forever – but was actually only 8 minutes.  The Out, two, thre, three, four never came.  As my husband and kids ascended on their fight home that day at 6:21 pm so did my mom – she escorted them as far as she could before veering off to home see my Dad.

At 6:30 pm on 6/30 I went to the nurse’s station to say, I think she is gone.  Somehow, I was able to hold it together – I swear her spirit was inside me – from all the hand holding and thumb stroking I must have enticed some of that spirit to join mine. I can’t imagine here having to socially isolate during this pandemic.  I don’t think it would have been possible for her. I can’t even imagine what her version of “social distancing” would look like. People, human connection, love, happiness, great-grandchildren, grandchildren, and friends/children (and yes I think I got the order right) were her Raison D’etre…. While I know all of us would find a way to take care of her…. I am “oddly” thankful she never had to experience this and/or see me with cancer, again.  I miss her everyday, May and June especially – but I feel her, and I here her thoughts on the pandemic, the countries leadership – and her new found crush on Governor Cuomo – I am her daughter for sure.

  1. We can no longer live in a world where the person nextdoor to you is not your concern.
  2. We can no longer live in a world where the person across from you is not your friend.
  3. We can no longer live in a world where the person behind you is someone you fear.
  4. We can no longer live in a world where the person above you believes he/she is better than you.
  5. We can no longer live in a world where the person below you is made to feel less than you.
  6. We can no longer live in a world where we do not care for one another….
  7. We are all part of the Human race, and we all share the same planet….Let’s all become Ivy, like she did, and spread joy, vitality and beauty, heart, soul, and hope!

Bernice was a sister, a friend, a savoir, a champion, a role model, a cheerleader and a comedian.  We all have a little of her in us – we just need to tap in!  Success or not – to try is the first and best step forward!  This is her Mother’s day gift to me – and I gift it to you too!

Happy Mother’s Day Mom and everyone –

@funnycancermom