6:21

Ok there are a few things I can’t believe – The first is that it is May 9^th and it is 33 degrees outside – COVID is snow effecting the weather as well – RIDICULOUS!  The other is that, this will be my 1^st Mother’s Day without my Mom – and that is hard to believe as well.

It seems totally unbelievable inconceivable, that she passed away 11 ½ months ago but it is true.  After, it took me a few months, to return to my regular type rhythm – but I did.  Mom always found a way to pop in to my thoughts daily – and in the sweetest ways.  Like Emma saying she wanted to get on a plane because she would be closer to Grandma in heaven, or Alissa putting together the perfect “presentation outfit” for class – and it would be adorned by one of my Mom’s Clever Carriage necklaces, or Rita calling to tell me a story about how something happened that just totally reminded her of Mom – and Rita laughing at the events as though Mom was standing right there laughing with her. 

Bernice truly moved through this world like Ivy would spread up an over an old brick home – adding that touch majesty, charm and heart to what every she touched.  She naturally affixed herself to everyone she met, as did her inexhaustible energy, joy, vitality and beauty.  Her mere presence could fill stadiums.  When she left this world, I felt the Ivy begin to wilt away and with it faded some of the sparkle she spread.  As the hole began to mend, I noticed, I felt different towards things. I think, I began to look the world through her eyes – or through my eyes – but with her spin.  I couldn’t figure how that could have happened, but as I began to look back, I think I figured it out.

I know I am jumping around a little here, but let me tell you a little bit about those last moments I spent with my mom – I have replayed these moments over and over in my head – there are a few items I wish I could change, but selfishly those same events I feel blessed that they didn’t.  Specifics are not that important here and understand that some of these memories are only for me to keep, but what I can share is where and when, I believe, the transfer of love and spirit occurred. 

From the weeks we were at the hospital to the week in hospice, my brother Neil and I had a routine.  Our days started early – we wanted to be the before the shifts changed.  Get the night time update, see the Dr.’s – who were sometimes illusive – but most importantly we both wanted that to see her eyes every morning. She still possessed a bit of that ever-present twinge.  Her light still illuminating. Neil and I would take turns taking breaks.  Visitors streamed in and out daily – and we were so thankful for that.  After about 3 weeks of this, we knew it was her time to be moved hospice.  Though that didn’t alter our routine.  Scott, Matt and Alissa had come for the weekend.  While they had said their goodbyes once before – they wanted to come again. I wanted that too.  On this particular evening, Neil and Mindy had just left to go back to help Lizzy, and I was planning on meeting Neil and Mindy later for dinner.  The Scott and the kids had just texted that they were about to board and would call when they landed.  It was just Mom and I, and I loved (and hated) this time.  It was special to me and for me.  I would sit side by side with Mom. Her left hand in my right hand.  Unconsciously my thumb stroking the back of her hand.  I would half-heartedly do the crossword puzzle, and full listen to her breath.  It had a rhythm. IN, two, three, four – Hold, two, three, four – Out, two, three, four.  I could set my clock to it. We talked – okay I talked, but I believe she listened.  I told her of memories I had of the two us – which she may recall differently (but she was in no position to dispute me).  I asked her for help with the puzzle because she was, of course, the puzzle master.  On many occasions my Mom never even had to go to the down clues.   She humbly credited this ability to years and years of NYT Crossword puzzle doing – but truth is she was really, really smart – different than Neil smart (or Sheldon Smart I like to joke). Somehow through me clutching her hand, she sent me the answers – I swear, well I won’t swear to it, but I believe it to be true. 

Part of this time I would tell her what I was feeling in that moment. Yes, inevitably there were tears but these were made up of love and memories.  I confessed to my childhood wrongdoings, my teenage craziness, and my adult regrets (1 being a dress she and dad had me wear to a friend’s wedding – yuck…I still cringe at the picture).   And on this particular day, I explained to her that my love for her knew no boundaries, my admiration was all inclusive, and I was so thankful for all she gave me, taught me, and instilled in every cell, vein, and corpuscle in my body!  I told her we were linked – ALWAYS AND FOREVER and even death could not sever that.  And I then I cried and kissed her hand.  It took me a few minutes to regain my composer – but I did, I felt her presence at that moment – I was positive, but then it was gone and brushed it off as wishful thinking.  I thought I felt a peace, a contentment, a but I went back to my puzzle and listened to a chorus IN, two, three, four – Hold, two, three, four – Out, two, three, four.  At 6:15, Alissa sent a text,” about to take off.  Tell Grandma we love her.”  “I will” I wrote back.  Then turned to my mom, without thinking and/or looking “Lissy says they are about to take off and she loves you!” I looked at my phone it was 6:21. At that moment, I heard…IN, two, three, four——HOLD two, three…. four, five, six……….but there was no Out, two, three, four!  Did I miss it? I waited and waited, and for what seemed like forever – but was actually only 8 minutes.  The Out, two, thre, three, four never came.  As my husband and kids ascended on their fight home that day at 6:21 pm so did my mom – she escorted them as far as she could before veering off to home see my Dad.

At 6:30 pm on 6/30 I went to the nurse’s station to say, I think she is gone.  Somehow, I was able to hold it together – I swear her spirit was inside me – from all the hand holding and thumb stroking I must have enticed some of that spirit to join mine. I can’t imagine here having to socially isolate during this pandemic.  I don’t think it would have been possible for her. I can’t even imagine what her version of “social distancing” would look like. People, human connection, love, happiness, great-grandchildren, grandchildren, and friends/children (and yes I think I got the order right) were her Raison D’etre…. While I know all of us would find a way to take care of her…. I am “oddly” thankful she never had to experience this and/or see me with cancer, again.  I miss her everyday, May and June especially – but I feel her, and I here her thoughts on the pandemic, the countries leadership – and her new found crush on Governor Cuomo – I am her daughter for sure.

1. We can no longer live in a world where the person nextdoor to you is not your concern.
2. We can no longer live in a world where the person across from you is not your friend.
3. We can no longer live in a world where the person behind you is someone you fear.
4. We can no longer live in a world where the person above you believes he/she is better than you.
5. We can no longer live in a world where the person below you is made to feel less than you.
6. We can no longer live in a world where we do not care for one another….
7. We are all part of the Human race, and we all share the same planet….Let’s all become Ivy, like she did, and spread joy, vitality and beauty, heart, soul, and hope!

Bernice was a sister, a friend, a savoir, a champion, a role model, a cheerleader and a comedian.  We all have a little of her in us – we just need to tap in!  Success or not – to try is the first and best step forward!  This is her Mother’s day gift to me – and I gift it to you too!

Happy Mother’s Day Mom and everyone –

@funnycancermom