ALL THINGS BEING EQUAL

All things equal today is a great day.  Even if I woke up this morning (Saturday of Memorial Day Weekend 2020) still living in quarantine.  Even if I woke up this morning and I still had Lung Cancer and even if I woke up this morning feeling uncertain about what is in store for the next few weeks, months, and years.  None of that matters, because I am certain that with All Things Being Equal I would still have woken up today feeling positive about the future, hopeful about life, and willing to make choices that consider all rather than one.  That’s my way.  Sometimes, I don’t always get my way, but that never stops me from trying.

Today I participated in an intimate zoom call with 40,000 other people and OPRAH – so I guess 40,000 and 1.  The topic centered on relationships during self-quarantine and social distancing.Before it started, I thought I had a pretty good handle on this subject – with regards to me, but it turns out – Not so much. 

I am a social animal. I love people.  I can talk to anyone.  I usually find a connection of some kind (my friends’ joke that while it maybe 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon it’s usually only 4 degrees of Carol).  I can find interest in something someone is saying almost always; though, I am not Gandhi – I have had a few times in life where I was in a place, event, or gathering, and I just wanted to run screaming from the monotony or the boredom or, worse, both.  But, when all of the Quarantini parties started, or re “zoom” ions or Friday Night Cocktails and Chats started, it wasn’t easy for me to get on board – it seemed to highlight that we were isolated.  Don’t get me wrong, I participated for a bit, but I felt the absence of presence.  Scott was my only presence 24/7.  Excluding our Honeymoon – I don’t really think we have ever been together that much EVER.

At the beginning of the quarantine, all was fine – it was new, and our underlying belief was that it wouldn’t last that long kept us moving forward easily.  After the 3rd week, I got that there was going to be a lot of Scott and I.  I didn’t always feel great (the chemo did that) but I did my best to hide that.  I still wanted to be social.  Go to the store.  Social distance on a walk; but my needs to be social were equaled by Scott’s desire to not be social. He and I were at odds over this.  I have since learned that this opposition in feelings is shared by many.  Couples everywhere were dealing with this same E-quotient divide.

In this group of 40,000, 1 couple openly shared their experience on this exact topic.  It was as if they were talking directly to me. Before the virus hit, they were a couple, a unit, a team, a partner, and a spouse.  They were all of the things couples are supposed to be – but what they weren’t supposed to be is those things 24 hours a day 7 days a week.  We are all supposed to get breaks, moments to recharge, moments of separation, and lives where all boundaries don’t keep overlapping on all sides.  This was what I needed, what I wanted…from Scott, and I didn’t know how to tell him.

By early April my irritation, impatience, and flat out annoyance began to appear in not always so pleasant ways – though, admittedly, I didn’t see it.  I found a way to pick at Scott for just sighing the wrong way. I was feeling the effects of solitude – but hadn’t acknowledged them yet.  Going through cancer during Coronavirus made me feel isolated on a visceral level.  On treatment days I had to be alone – arrive alone, wait alone, and be treated alone.  It was hard work keeping my s**t together – which sometimes I couldn’t but worked hard to wipe off any signs of unsteadiness by the time I was home.   I am not willing to show anything but optimism.  That is as much for him as it is for me.  I know how nervous he gets when he has to go out.  He fears that he will bring something back into the house that could make me sick, which is sweet – but I wouldn’t allow l myself to think that way.  Sometimes I just needed a break from the togetherness.  Neither of our personalities were very supportive of what the other needed at this moment.

Very soon after this, I reached the pinnacle of my annoyance. I needed a roadmap to help me help us off this path.  At this very moment I realized I needed to take a step back and see that we were both going through this together, just in separate ways.  Just because our reactions are different doesn’t mean that one of us is affected less than the other.  ALL THINGS BEING EQUAL, we are both internalizing and externalizing our feelings in our own and very different ways: As it should be, since our personalities are very different.  And on any other given day – this is what I would want because this fact is what makes us work so well together. 

It was an eye-opening realization.  I am always so willing to share my insides with those on the outside.  It is a part of me that I am so proud.  But my insides got a bit jumbled being home. My feelings had been isolated as well and they are not used to that.  I have always had an outlet for them, but zoom didn’t seem like the right medium for me, so they stayed inside me and inside my home.  Tucked away in a corner closet so to speak.  But, “you can’t put Baby in a corner” and eventually they came spilling out.  But as with so much in my life, I learned from it.  And today, as I listened to the Oprah’s Your Life in Focus: A Vision Forward Webinar – I was able to put all of this into it’s correct compartment in my mind.  Here is my take:

Oprah talked about the importance of I AM and what I AM’s can do.  What can they do you ask, well, I AM’s can set you on a path towards a goal.  I AM is the first step (or the first words) in moving towards being who we are in the best way.  Oprah used an example – “when you say I Am something…I am giving direction to an action.  We often attached it to a negative action like I am tired, I am mad, I am moody, I am overweight.” But what if we change the action to a positive one?  What if I say I AM working on gaining more strength, or I AM taking positive steps towards my own sense of purpose?  We are setting out on a path towards beneficial outcomes and ALL THINGS BEING EQUAL that is a better path to take.  I mid-April Scott and I began to work on changing our I AM, and I am happy to say it seems to be a good direction.

I AM still trying to be the “Lamp” in the room or the “ladder” by which I climb when trying to help others!  I AM still choosing to be more positive, encouraging, and assured as I can be because that direction makes me feel less shaken and stirred by the world events (and my illness).  I AM ready to emerge from this isolation softer, stronger, and more solidly united – though still physically apart.

The good thing is (you had to know there would be a good thing) that while this may not be a perfect world right now, ALL THINGS BEING EQUAL, I AM confident that we are heading towards one, and none too soon.

ALL THINGS BEING EQUAL is a good place to start!  Happy Memorial day