The Heroes I have Met!

It shocks me that it has already been 6 weeks since I last wrote to you all. Time certainly flies when you are having….Chemo. Actually, I found out after my last set of scans that the first treatment wasn’t working. And I say that with a ? mark at the end. My Mass had neither shrunk nor had it grown – so I feel the treatment was doing something…just not everything. I guess I look at it with a “glass half full — they (some of the Dr.’s) see it as a glass half empty andthe results were not what hey wanted to see. They say Tomato and I say “it ain’t all that bad”. So after three scans and a recheck of the pathology to reconfirm the Lung Cancer diagnosis, I began a new treatment cocktail at the end of June. And for the 1st time I felt fear, and sadness, and wept often. I believe the fear was from the unknown, with a dash of worry that they end maybe nye. That kind of outlook was new for me and maybe that also added to the fear. I couldn’t imagine where this was negativity was coming from — it wasn’t me.

I had never heard of this new regimen and when I put it up on the group chats, I realized Inot many others had either.. No one responded to my questions. So I began to panic. I was sure and confident up until this time, but this was different for meI was not a worrieror, but I felt, but I all of a sudden was. So much so that I sat and I wrote a document (9 pages I think) for my husband and brother. It had lists my wishes for after, well you know and locations of everything and all things people think of at the end. I sent out a few letters to specific people thanking them….I was petrified. And I had never been before. this treatment scared the SH.. out of me. It is a 3 day infusion process. Day 1 is all 3 drugs — 6-7 hours alone (because guests are still not allowed). Day 2 & 3 are 4-hour drips. And Day 5 is a shot that causes every bone to ache for 4 days. This is how it was explained and frankly, this is how it felt. I couldn’t get past it and that was so weird for me.

Later I realized I was going through this new treatmet right around the 1 year anniversary of my Mom’s sudden death — so subconsciously this was effecting me — but I couldn’t see it at the time. I was just a mess on all ends. And for truly the first time in my life — I couldn’t put words to the feelings. I was at a loss to find the one way I know how to communicate my feelings. My theraputic release had left me for a bit.

Any way backto the treatment details. On Day 7 I emerged from the pain and the fog and begin to feel like myself. I was able to do much more and move around. And by Wednesday I was back, thankfully! So while there are a bit more downsides to this protocol – there are upsides I believe as well. When I am back to normal I seem to have more energy. This past week alone I walked more than ever before. I feel there are differences in my breathing, I feel that the mass has shifted (does that mean shrunk – I don’t know but I hope so). I feel like my head may or may not be a bit fuzzier – but that is nothing to severe. Some people talk about Chemo Brain (which is very similar to pregnancy brain – I also suffered from that) – lucky me ☺️ !

So Today I am at the hospital for round 2 of 3 infusions then friday for a shot of Nuelasta. The fear has subsided, as I know what to expect. Doesn’t mean I like this week any better but I am not afraid of it. I happen to have an unbelievable set of the greatest nurses. Yes all the nurses I know are great, and a few are my personal friends so it seems like I am promoting from within :). These angels take care of me to just an unmatched level. they are superheroes – everyday they are there for people dealing with true setbacks and with out the support of loved ones (in the hospital). they are smiley, sweet, helpful, caring, respectful, kind, and present. No one could imagine how all 0of that is therapeutic in its own right. I can never thank them enough for the care. I bake them cookies – but that seems half baked. That 1st day in June when my fear boiled over into uncrontrolable sobs they were so wonderful – they kept me calm and checked in on me costantly and just made me feel that positive sense I had always had but had lost for a bit. They brought it bac for me and I can never repay them for that — even the cookies I back for them every time is just the smallest bit of thanks….not nearly enough.

Heroes are a rare breed. Because they do not know they are heroes. The nurses here cover 18 bays. Individuals receiving treatments for a variety of cancer’s and are all in a variety of stages. Some patients are kind and funny – like me of course, and some are angry, some are depressed, and some are belligerent. That doesn’t affect them. They are as sweet and smiley with them all. I watch them move in an orchestrated way that could seem phrenetic but it also looks ballet like. And even at my worst – the care they give was exceptional. And my level of awe jumps higher every time I am here – which truthfully is to often – but they make it ok.

So this post is really just an ode to them and what Nurses mean to me. I can only imagine how and what they meant to all of those hospitalized with COVID — alone and scared — They are a lifeline that we, as a country, should all be supported by the hospital administrations nationwide — paid appropriately, listened to intently and be treated with the utmost respect!!!!

THANK YOU – YOU ARE ALL MY HEROES!!!!!!!

@FUNNYCANCERMOM