Time to Reflect

This morning I was meditating and Oprah referenced Elie Wiesel. I was lucky enough to take his class when I went to BU (back in the 80’s) – It was not for credit but it was one of the best classes I had ever taken. He spoke and I was captivated by every word. I felt as though he was, truly, speaking directly to me. And 40 years later his lessons resonate even more. His message reached the very core of who I am. Some of you always say I have such a positive attitude – and that is true, but I get it, partially from lessons I learned in his class. His messages were more directed towards fighting oppression – which I agree with on all levels, but I internalized and applied them in others as well. Take this little ditty -“I write to understand as much as to be understood.” This is exactly why I blog – not just to tell you what is happening in my life, but it helps me understand what is going on and how I can approach dealing with what is going on.

So let’s get to what is going on. The last month has been a bit odd. I finished Brain and spine radiation on 11/18/2020. Turns out you need to get all the radioactivity out of your body before you can take the next step. Who knew radiation trumps cancer on the “danger scale” :). So last week we were “clear” to move forward with the next step of my treatments. Monday I went to take blood tests for an upcoming Lumbar Puncture procedure that was planned for Wednesday, but my platelet counts were too low so they have had to cancel. I am being retested tomorrow (Monday) so I hope all will be okay – but you never know. It is annoying because you have to bolster yourself up for many of these tests to begin with so putting a hold on a test puts a damper kink in the flow – but that is life, and that is how I am living “keyword living” – so no biggy. Though I would like to get it scheduled before Christmas.

It is one of those things people say but rarely means. Like the way my husband is always saying “You gotta live one day at a time”. He sees that as a positive – and that works for him. But he says it so matter of factly that I am not always so sure he is truly embracing the meaning but he feels he is. I look at it differently. I think “you have to live!” no matter how many days you are talking about. And that is truly how I live these days. For example – this week has been somewhat of a challenge.

So I woke up today, Monday, feeling really strong. I knew I was facing a tough week but I was ready. Tuesday I met with this incredible brain surgeon Dr. Mohan. Truly, truly impressive. He explained the Brain procedure so well and in layman’s terms that I automatically felt at ease. He also said we may not even need to do the Omaya Reservoir (brain procedure)–if the Lumbar Puncture didn’t produce results that would contradict the necessity. Wednesday was supposed to be the Lumbar Puncture- but like all things medical, everything was to be based on your “blood” numbers. After I left the Brain Surgeon my Oncologist called to say my platelets were so low that we had to reschedule the Lumbar Puncture. I admit it I cried. When I regained my composure, I asked how do we move forward. So I had to go back in yesterday to do another blood test but the results were only slightly better so they decided to give me a blood transfusion – Seems easy but let me just say I arrive at the Dr. at 9:45 am and arrived home at 5:45 pm. OY, what a day I had. The silver lining is that when I arrived home my kids were there. What a great boost for me. I am pretty positive always but this is always such a great spirit booster. Matt and Alissa make me laugh and smile every time they are near.

So now I wait. Monday I go back for blood tests and hopefully all will be back on track so that I can do my Lumbar puncture. Do I feel perfect after the transfusion – no- but I do feel a bit better. If my numbers don’t bounce back enough I will have to jump over another hurdle – a Bone Marrow Biopsy. I have had one (in 1982) not fun or enjoyable but ‘been there done that’ and I will muster the courage to face that as well cause I look at it as if I am crossing off potential issues before they become a problem, and “hopefully” putting them in my rearview mirror for the time being. My kids leave today so I plan on just spending the day enjoying them.

This weekend Scott, Matt, Alissa and I played board games, we laughed and hung out. We talked and watched movies. Matt set up my Roku – which, thanks to my friends Wendy and Doug, we got so I can stream all my shows. We will finish the weekend and plan to see each other for Xmas, but my blood counts are the master of this holiday so – It will be what it will be. But I want to leave you all with my message for the end of 2020, but definately a message for beyond. While it is a birthday wish I originally created for my Sister-in-law Mindy….It is truly something I wish for you all of you for going forward. It goes like this…..

You are a gift to all of us that know you – and even more so over the past 10 months!  So my wish to you at the end of 2020 is as follows:

May these coming days, weeks, months, and year be filled with more blessings than anything else.

May these days, weeks, months, and years bring more joy than ever before.

May these days, weeks, months, and years be filled with health and happiness.

May these days, weeks, months, and years be a time where wrongs are righted in the world and cures are found for so many “ills” and illnesses.

And on Day 364 let us all sit back to reflect on the glorious year because I wish that on day 365 of next year all this goodness repeats forever and ever.

So here it is – my trick, my way of staying positive in the face of adversity and potential negativity. I look to offer positivity while I live amidst a time in my life when it is not so easy to do so. I get how hard it is for so many of us who face potential tough diagnosies — it is hard to find your way out of the muck. But I choose the lighter side, the lovely side, the family side, the friend’s side, the fun side – I CHOOSE HOPE – Because as Elie Wiesel said: “Just as man cannot live without dreams, he cannot live without hope. If dreams reflect the past, hope summons the future.” And here is what I see as my hopes and my future! And I will not top fighting to have this for as long as I possibly can! Try it, I recommend it highly…

My hopes are that your futures look as bright and hopeful as mine! Happy Holiday season to you all!

Carol

@funnycancermom