Category: Cancer 3rd time

A funny thing happened at Chemo!

Again I have to say, “it has been awhile”. So let me catch you up. Since we last spoke I switched my chemo protocol (twice). The last one was a combo of Tencentriq/carboplatain/Etoposide. This was a 3 day protocol every 3 weeks. I hated it. It was harsh on my system, I had some unfriendly side effects and frankly didn’t do much shrinkage wise. So I was happy to end that. For the last 6 weeks (I started Sept 8) I have been doing Radiation (let the Glow Jokes commence) + a Taxol/Carboplatain combo (both chemo) and that has had some results in the positive column. And luckily very few side effects. Monday is my last radiation treatment. Because of my previous history with radiation, the Dr.s say my body will not tolerate any more – so this is a 6 week and done option. I will get scanned in 1 1/2 weeks and then I go on Maintenance. Sounds a bit like a Diet Plan. Maintenance consists of an Immunotherapy (TBD) and maybe a support drug called Avastin. I will not learn the deal until after the Scan results are in.

But let me tell you about the weird side effects I had from the Taxol/Carbo protocol. My husband wanted to film it every time because he said it was so funny. I cant say that I remember any of it. I was told it lasted about 1 hour. It was caused by the “premeds”. — Two of which are drugs many of us take on a regular basis – but because they are given intravenously they often cause different reactions. The Drugs involved Benadryl, Dexamethasone, Eloxi (like a Zofran). The first time, I began to tell the nurse of the side effects next thing I remember is Scott saying Hello sleepy head.

I guess that was what I really learned from this go round (more so than the Breast Cancer Chemo in 2010). the nurses made my treatments (no matter how bad) have times of laughter, and smiles., and not scary. I don’t think their could be any higher praise for a scary, not fun period in ones life. Dare I say it has been the best experience of all 3 of my cancers. We also got Scott special approval to sit with me through treatment. Admittedly we fibbed a bit. Most of my treatments I had to do alone. And then on the advice of one of the nurses, we mentioned to the Dr. that without him there I was suffering form terrible anxiety, and while not exactly true the Dr. wrote a note giving him permission to be with me. He had to be masked and couldn’t leave the bay I was in during treatment but that was ok.

Scott and I would arrive. First was checkin, then weigh in, then off tho the seat I was assigned to Sit in. Once moved in to my bay, we began to set up for the next 3 hours. We both got our computers out and plugged in, Telephones out, and lunch box with my snacks for the day. Once settled in, my port is accessed and blood is drawn. First step was to hydrate me so I was hooked up to a saline drip until the meds arrived. We needed to wait about an hour for the blood results, so we called the homeopathic relief team — I would get weekly foot massages and Reiki. Isn’t that just so “boujie” that they offer that to all us going through treatment.

Then we would start the Layering process. As the meds were being given, I would begin to get cold and begin to shake. So the nurses would start layering me with warm blankets. I looked a little like an eskimo — head to toe cloaked in white hospital blankets. Getting up from under all that to go to the bathroom was a 2 person job. After that we turn on the TV and watch my boyfriend (I would joke with Scott). Jim Cramer of CNBC and Mad Money. I never watched this type of show before but something drew me to it and frankly he makes me laugh (and I learned some stuff too). Maybe the drugs or the tumor is turning me into a secret financial geek…..No chance of that – Just ask my brother.

So as the drugs were “pushed” (the medical term for adding them to my IV) I began to get Loopy (these is Scott’s version of what happened). He would say that I would start talking gibberish. Then my right leg wouldn’t stop moving (it turns out restless leg is a side effect). So now envision me moving and shaking my leg, talking gibberish all while sleeping. I can only imagine it is a bit like Steve Martin when he did the “Wild and Crazy” guy routine. Other side effects included itching in areas I will not disclose. Oy! Even the nurses had a good laugh at my expense – and if I didn’t revere them all so much, I may have gotten annoyed. But the nurses that take care of me are group of Super humans. They deal with illness and death and emotion and medicines and reactions and they remain positive, calm, helpful, positive, and connected to everyone of the patients they work with (could be up to 8 at a time). Scott and I could not thank them enough but we did bae them cookies every week — which they really seemed to enjoy. Well except the Rolo cookies that I left 2 ingredients out of. they were hard and tasteless I think —

Anyway, this is my round abut way of saying that this experience of horror has not been that at all. Of all the treatments I have been through, this experience (with moments of extreme fear, occasional pain, and quite a bit of tears) has also been complimented by laughter, caring, friendship and smiles. Not a usual way to describe Chemo and Radiation. In a week and 1/2 I get a scan, in a week and 1/2 I will learn something new and, hopefully, something positive. I learned to look and listen for the good news. It is easy to focus on bad, and hard to turn it into good and positive….Cancer, Chemo and Radiation make it hard to find the positive, yet finding the good, the funny and light is my way and I find that easy. So I guess it’s true Something happened on the way to Chemo – and I am positive it is something good.

ALL THINGS BEING EQUAL

TOGETHER SEPRERATELY!

All things equal today is a great day.  Even if I woke up this morning (Saturday of Memorial Day Weekend 2020) still living in quarantine.  Even if I woke up this morning and I still had Lung Cancer and even if I woke up this morning feeling uncertain about what is in store for the next few weeks, months, and years.  None of that matters, because I am certain that with All Things Being Equal I would still have woken up today feeling positive about the future, hopeful about life, and willing to make choices that consider all rather than one.  That’s my way.  Sometimes, I don’t always get my way, but that never stops me from trying.

Today I participated in an intimate zoom call with 40,000 other people and OPRAH – so I guess 40,000 and 1.  The topic centered on relationships during self-quarantine and social distancing.Before it started, I thought I had a pretty good handle on this subject – with regards to me, but it turns out – Not so much. 

I am a social animal. I love people.  I can talk to anyone.  I usually find a connection of some kind (my friends’ joke that while it maybe 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon it’s usually only 4 degrees of Carol).  I can find interest in something someone is saying almost always; though, I am not Gandhi – I have had a few times in life where I was in a place, event, or gathering, and I just wanted to run screaming from the monotony or the boredom or, worse, both.  But, when all of the Quarantini parties started, or re “zoom” ions or Friday Night Cocktails and Chats started, it wasn’t easy for me to get on board – it seemed to highlight that we were isolated.  Don’t get me wrong, I participated for a bit, but I felt the absence of presence.  Scott was my only presence 24/7.  Excluding our Honeymoon – I don’t really think we have ever been together that much EVER.

At the beginning of the quarantine, all was fine – it was new, and our underlying belief was that it wouldn’t last that long kept us moving forward easily.  After the 3rd week, I got that there was going to be a lot of Scott and I.  I didn’t always feel great (the chemo did that) but I did my best to hide that.  I still wanted to be social.  Go to the store.  Social distance on a walk; but my needs to be social were equaled by Scott’s desire to not be social. He and I were at odds over this.  I have since learned that this opposition in feelings is shared by many.  Couples everywhere were dealing with this same E-quotient divide.

In this group of 40,000, 1 couple openly shared their experience on this exact topic.  It was as if they were talking directly to me. Before the virus hit, they were a couple, a unit, a team, a partner, and a spouse.  They were all of the things couples are supposed to be – but what they weren’t supposed to be is those things 24 hours a day 7 days a week.  We are all supposed to get breaks, moments to recharge, moments of separation, and lives where all boundaries don’t keep overlapping on all sides.  This was what I needed, what I wanted…from Scott, and I didn’t know how to tell him.

By early April my irritation, impatience, and flat out annoyance began to appear in not always so pleasant ways – though, admittedly, I didn’t see it.  I found a way to pick at Scott for just sighing the wrong way. I was feeling the effects of solitude – but hadn’t acknowledged them yet.  Going through cancer during Coronavirus made me feel isolated on a visceral level.  On treatment days I had to be alone – arrive alone, wait alone, and be treated alone.  It was hard work keeping my s**t together – which sometimes I couldn’t but worked hard to wipe off any signs of unsteadiness by the time I was home.   I am not willing to show anything but optimism.  That is as much for him as it is for me.  I know how nervous he gets when he has to go out.  He fears that he will bring something back into the house that could make me sick, which is sweet – but I wouldn’t allow l myself to think that way.  Sometimes I just needed a break from the togetherness.  Neither of our personalities were very supportive of what the other needed at this moment.

Very soon after this, I reached the pinnacle of my annoyance. I needed a roadmap to help me help us off this path.  At this very moment I realized I needed to take a step back and see that we were both going through this together, just in separate ways.  Just because our reactions are different doesn’t mean that one of us is affected less than the other.  ALL THINGS BEING EQUAL, we are both internalizing and externalizing our feelings in our own and very different ways: As it should be, since our personalities are very different.  And on any other given day – this is what I would want because this fact is what makes us work so well together. 

It was an eye-opening realization.  I am always so willing to share my insides with those on the outside.  It is a part of me that I am so proud.  But my insides got a bit jumbled being home. My feelings had been isolated as well and they are not used to that.  I have always had an outlet for them, but zoom didn’t seem like the right medium for me, so they stayed inside me and inside my home.  Tucked away in a corner closet so to speak.  But, “you can’t put Baby in a corner” and eventually they came spilling out.  But as with so much in my life, I learned from it.  And today, as I listened to the Oprah’s Your Life in Focus: A Vision Forward Webinar – I was able to put all of this into it’s correct compartment in my mind.  Here is my take:

Oprah talked about the importance of I AM and what I AM’s can do.  What can they do you ask, well, I AM’s can set you on a path towards a goal.  I AM is the first step (or the first words) in moving towards being who we are in the best way.  Oprah used an example – “when you say I Am something…I am giving direction to an action.  We often attached it to a negative action like I am tired, I am mad, I am moody, I am overweight.” But what if we change the action to a positive one?  What if I say I AM working on gaining more strength, or I AM taking positive steps towards my own sense of purpose?  We are setting out on a path towards beneficial outcomes and ALL THINGS BEING EQUAL that is a better path to take.  I mid-April Scott and I began to work on changing our I AM, and I am happy to say it seems to be a good direction.

I AM still trying to be the “Lamp” in the room or the “ladder” by which I climb when trying to help others!  I AM still choosing to be more positive, encouraging, and assured as I can be because that direction makes me feel less shaken and stirred by the world events (and my illness).  I AM ready to emerge from this isolation softer, stronger, and more solidly united – though still physically apart.

The good thing is (you had to know there would be a good thing) that while this may not be a perfect world right now, ALL THINGS BEING EQUAL, I AM confident that we are heading towards one, and none too soon.

ALL THINGS BEING EQUAL is a good place to start!  Happy Memorial day

6:21

6:21 6/30

Ok there are a few things I can’t believe – The first is that it is May 9th and it is 33 degrees outside – COVID is snow effecting the weather as well – RIDICULOUS!  The other is that, this will be my 1st Mother’s Day without my Mom – and that is hard to believe as well.

It seems totally unbelievable inconceivable, that she passed away 11 ½ months ago but it is true.  After, it took me a few months, to return to my regular type rhythm – but I did.  Mom always found a way to pop in to my thoughts daily – and in the sweetest ways.  Like Emma saying she wanted to get on a plane because she would be closer to Grandma in heaven, or Alissa putting together the perfect “presentation outfit” for class – and it would be adorned by one of my Mom’s Clever Carriage necklaces, or Rita calling to tell me a story about how something happened that just totally reminded her of Mom – and Rita laughing at the events as though Mom was standing right there laughing with her. 

Bernice truly moved through this world like Ivy would spread up an over an old brick home – adding that touch majesty, charm and heart to what every she touched.  She naturally affixed herself to everyone she met, as did her inexhaustible energy, joy, vitality and beauty.  Her mere presence could fill stadiums.  When she left this world, I felt the Ivy begin to wilt away and with it faded some of the sparkle she spread.  As the hole began to mend, I noticed, I felt different towards things. I think, I began to look the world through her eyes – or through my eyes – but with her spin.  I couldn’t figure how that could have happened, but as I began to look back, I think I figured it out.

I know I am jumping around a little here, but let me tell you a little bit about those last moments I spent with my mom – I have replayed these moments over and over in my head – there are a few items I wish I could change, but selfishly those same events I feel blessed that they didn’t.  Specifics are not that important here and understand that some of these memories are only for me to keep, but what I can share is where and when, I believe, the transfer of love and spirit occurred. 

From the weeks we were at the hospital to the week in hospice, my brother Neil and I had a routine.  Our days started early – we wanted to be the before the shifts changed.  Get the night time update, see the Dr.’s – who were sometimes illusive – but most importantly we both wanted that to see her eyes every morning. She still possessed a bit of that ever-present twinge.  Her light still illuminating. Neil and I would take turns taking breaks.  Visitors streamed in and out daily – and we were so thankful for that.  After about 3 weeks of this, we knew it was her time to be moved hospice.  Though that didn’t alter our routine.  Scott, Matt and Alissa had come for the weekend.  While they had said their goodbyes once before – they wanted to come again. I wanted that too.  On this particular evening, Neil and Mindy had just left to go back to help Lizzy, and I was planning on meeting Neil and Mindy later for dinner.  The Scott and the kids had just texted that they were about to board and would call when they landed.  It was just Mom and I, and I loved (and hated) this time.  It was special to me and for me.  I would sit side by side with Mom. Her left hand in my right hand.  Unconsciously my thumb stroking the back of her hand.  I would half-heartedly do the crossword puzzle, and full listen to her breath.  It had a rhythm. IN, two, three, four – Hold, two, three, four – Out, two, three, four.  I could set my clock to it. We talked – okay I talked, but I believe she listened.  I told her of memories I had of the two us – which she may recall differently (but she was in no position to dispute me).  I asked her for help with the puzzle because she was, of course, the puzzle master.  On many occasions my Mom never even had to go to the down clues.   She humbly credited this ability to years and years of NYT Crossword puzzle doing – but truth is she was really, really smart – different than Neil smart (or Sheldon Smart I like to joke). Somehow through me clutching her hand, she sent me the answers – I swear, well I won’t swear to it, but I believe it to be true. 

Part of this time I would tell her what I was feeling in that moment. Yes, inevitably there were tears but these were made up of love and memories.  I confessed to my childhood wrongdoings, my teenage craziness, and my adult regrets (1 being a dress she and dad had me wear to a friend’s wedding – yuck…I still cringe at the picture).   And on this particular day, I explained to her that my love for her knew no boundaries, my admiration was all inclusive, and I was so thankful for all she gave me, taught me, and instilled in every cell, vein, and corpuscle in my body!  I told her we were linked – ALWAYS AND FOREVER and even death could not sever that.  And I then I cried and kissed her hand.  It took me a few minutes to regain my composer – but I did, I felt her presence at that moment – I was positive, but then it was gone and brushed it off as wishful thinking.  I thought I felt a peace, a contentment, a but I went back to my puzzle and listened to a chorus IN, two, three, four – Hold, two, three, four – Out, two, three, four.  At 6:15, Alissa sent a text,” about to take off.  Tell Grandma we love her.”  “I will” I wrote back.  Then turned to my mom, without thinking and/or looking “Lissy says they are about to take off and she loves you!” I looked at my phone it was 6:21. At that moment, I heard…IN, two, three, four——HOLD two, three…. four, five, six……….but there was no Out, two, three, four!  Did I miss it? I waited and waited, and for what seemed like forever – but was actually only 8 minutes.  The Out, two, thre, three, four never came.  As my husband and kids ascended on their fight home that day at 6:21 pm so did my mom – she escorted them as far as she could before veering off to home see my Dad.

At 6:30 pm on 6/30 I went to the nurse’s station to say, I think she is gone.  Somehow, I was able to hold it together – I swear her spirit was inside me – from all the hand holding and thumb stroking I must have enticed some of that spirit to join mine. I can’t imagine here having to socially isolate during this pandemic.  I don’t think it would have been possible for her. I can’t even imagine what her version of “social distancing” would look like. People, human connection, love, happiness, great-grandchildren, grandchildren, and friends/children (and yes I think I got the order right) were her Raison D’etre…. While I know all of us would find a way to take care of her…. I am “oddly” thankful she never had to experience this and/or see me with cancer, again.  I miss her everyday, May and June especially – but I feel her, and I here her thoughts on the pandemic, the countries leadership – and her new found crush on Governor Cuomo – I am her daughter for sure.

  1. We can no longer live in a world where the person nextdoor to you is not your concern.
  2. We can no longer live in a world where the person across from you is not your friend.
  3. We can no longer live in a world where the person behind you is someone you fear.
  4. We can no longer live in a world where the person above you believes he/she is better than you.
  5. We can no longer live in a world where the person below you is made to feel less than you.
  6. We can no longer live in a world where we do not care for one another….
  7. We are all part of the Human race, and we all share the same planet….Let’s all become Ivy, like she did, and spread joy, vitality and beauty, heart, soul, and hope!

Bernice was a sister, a friend, a savoir, a champion, a role model, a cheerleader and a comedian.  We all have a little of her in us – we just need to tap in!  Success or not – to try is the first and best step forward!  This is her Mother’s day gift to me – and I gift it to you too!

Happy Mother’s Day Mom and everyone –

@funnycancermom

How did I get here – again?

I know I face an uphill battle – but surrounded by love of family and friends I will fight, laugh, kick, scream and dance my way through – Again!

Let me restart from the beginning! Many will remember that in 1982 I was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Disease. I was 20 – a Sr. in College . The treatment I was given had some unwelcome side affects – though most didn’t appear for almost 20 years. And, frankly, I was happy that I survived and never really thought about these side affects until they began popping up. But I wasn’t until 30 years later I was diagnosed with my 2nd type of cancer. This time it was Breast Cancer. I was told tat it was a potential side affect, but I had been fine for so long – I thought I had beaten the odds. After 6 months of chemo, I was confident that I had beat that as well. Which, for all intents and purposes, I had!

Now, 11 years later I have been diagnosed with Lung Cancer. And again, they can almost definitely trace it back to the original treatment I had in 1982. I know some would be furious or outraged or angry – but that’s just not me. Like with the last 2 I have every intention of fighting this with the same kind of positive, open, direct and humorous attitude that I used the last time! But since that one only kept me healthy for 11 years — I will have to work 3 times harder for it to last for at least 30 more years. I am willing – So for those that followed me before or to my new followers let me give you a recap of how the last 2 months unfolded…..

So, I January I had the weirdest kind of exhale/cough combo. Almost unnoticeable to anyone else. I actually felt annoyed by how ridiculous of an affect I thought it was. But, after 2 cancers I am pretty attune to my body and, well, I kind of knew something wasn’t right. So I called my Dr. and set up an appointment — At first glance, I looked and felt (for the most part) fine. So I was given an inhaler for a week or so. It just so happened I had my annual physical scheduled for 2 weeks from that point. But the Nurse Practitioner said if it isn’t better in a week, call.

Needless to say I called. I went for a chest x-ray, they thought maybe it was walking pneumonia. To double check they sent me for a CT Scan – with contrast. Once they mentioned that – I knew where I was headed – sort of. So I need to digress for a second and talk about my Dr. He is about my age – and I have known him for almost 20 years. He is funny and unflappable. He was also my parents Dr. So we really have a history. Two weeks earlier he learned (from my husband) that my Mom had passed away 6 months before (she was living in Florida at the time). So on this day, I decided to great him with the outcome before he could tell me. He walked into the room where my husband and I were waiting – and I blurted out “So tell me am I going to meet my mother soon?” I totally shocked him – I knew and I knew he knew that I was not going to be coddled. I want to know what I am fighting — that way I can prepare myself for battle totally and appropriately. Anyway, the next series of events was quite the rollercoaster.

The scans showed a mass dead in the center of my mediastinum – my chest cavity. The immediate diagnosis was Thymic Cancer and it was a pretty severe diagnosis. I read about it – and never lost hope but the reading wasn’t so great. But I continued to look for the hope. When the biopsy results came back my Oncologist – Sarah Sadan – said – “you are an enigma” . While everything about your disease points one way – your test results point another. It turns out I have typical Lung Cancer. Instead of the mass growing inward into my lung (like most do) mine grew outward from the lung wall into the chest cavity. The positives here are many. They have made many strides in treating lung cancer’s – new therapies, new drugs, which gives me new hopes for a cure. Lung Cancer is not a walk in the park but it is better than what was first thought – and with all of this what isn’t factored in is me.

I am not willing to look at a negative outcome. I have learned that my attitude, my drive, my desire and fight is my Superpower! Today is day one of the new blog, it is day 60 of this battle. Over the next few months please follow along with me — 4 weeks ago at the Oprah 2020 Vision Tour, I learned so much — She gifted us with an affirmation – I CAN, I WILL, WATCH ME – that is my purpose right now! SO all of you WATCH ME! CAUSE I AM HERE FOR THE LONG HAUL!!!!!!!!!

More to follow – xoxo Carol @funnycancermom

Forget Your Troubles, Come On Get Happy!!!!!

Barbra and Judy – need I say anything more

Happy Sunday everyone.

I recently watched the video of Barbra Streisand and Judy Garland singing a mash-up of “Happy Days Are Here Again” and “Forget Your Troubles”. Shocking how incredible and current it is….for so many reasons.  Just listening can bring a smile to my face.  But, the back story is also drenched in sadness. This was at the end of Judy’s career.She was at her most depressed and, unfortunately, almost at the end of her life.  Her ability to muster such greatness while facing such demons is mind-boggling to me.  Though I think many are facing this now during this period of isolation/staying at home.

It is an understatement to say that times are tough for everyone –  and that no two people are handling this pandemic, this stay at home life, this time where so much s unprecedented. But it is for that reason I thought to write a bit about the things that drive me – ways I find to cope with all that is going on in the world and in my life.  Ways that allow me to spend much of my day thinking of relationships, people, family, friends and all of those that put their life on the line every day. I think of them and I feel Love and Kindness towards them.  I want to take action and do something that can be of service for them and others.  I think – what can I do?  What is my purpose in all of this?  Do I have a gift that can I can use to help anyone – even one person, rise above the dreary.

When I was diagnosed with cancer the first time (1982) I spent weeks, maybe months miserable and confused as to “why me.”  It was no help for me.  I didn’t see it then, but I realized it when I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer in 2011.  Why?  In 1982 I was strong, but like Judy Garland – much was a facade.  I was a Sr. in college with less than 5 months left till graduation;  I knew that if I left school and came home to NY for treatment, I would never have graduated.  And that decision has changed my life forever – In good, bad and different ways. 

I did learn how to be alone and isolated – since most of my friends (not all), but most, social-distanced me out of there lives.  I was alone, away from my family pretending I was ok.  I wasn’t – but that is on me. The other way that staying in Boston changed my life was the treatment I was given.  In NY they were using Chemotherapy – new and harsh.  In Boston, they were experimenting with different Radiation Therapies including COBALT Radiation – Basically Chernoble/3-Mile Island radiation.  That alone should have scared me away, but I was sticking with staying in Boston. This boiled down to a silly notion that “you are nothing without a college degree.”  A totally shortsighted notion from my Dad (and how he felt about himself).  He was a scion of his industry so, in truth, his lack of schooling meant nothing.  

So why did this period change my life so?  Well in 2011 when I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer, I learned more about my circumstances.  My doctor, Andrew Ashikari, was extremely thorough about genetic testing and my health history and blood testing.  He went through everything with my husband, Scott, and I.  In the end, it seemed almost certain that my disease was caused or a side effect of the COBALT radiation – with no genetic links at all.  So immediately I began to again think Why Me?  But not for long — This time was different.  I had friends, family and an entire community willing to help and support me.  This is where THe Rocks were christened. 🙂 This is where the original The Cancer Made Me Do It. was born.  Somehow I had an epiphany of thoughts.  I realized looking at my past will drag me down, but setting my sights/my vision on the future Pulls me up: It lifts my spirit and gives me my sense of purpose.  The blog was started to tell others they are not alone, they can overcome; they can empower and be empowered.

Then in February of 2020, right before the country came to a halt, I was again diagnosed with cancer.  My new Dr., Sara Sadan, is also a meticulously thorough individual; and after several weeks of testing and metabolic testing on the actual mass in my chest, they too came to the belief that this Cancer is a result of the original COBALT radiation. So again I was faced with a choice.  Be mad, be angry, ask why me – or FIGHT this disease with a smile, a belief in my future, a confidence that my support system will catch me when I slip, an undeniable hope that all will be fine, and an unwavering conviction that I Can and I Will beat these odds as well.  Mind you it would be nice if this conviction would help me win the lottery as well — Just sayin’!  I get that may just be a bit greedy 🙂

So now, like most of you, I am home and isolated with my husband (you get how there is a real yin ad yang about that right?  -‘Nough said on that subject :).  I awake every morning and immediately assess my physical being.  Most days are fine, and some are not – but either way, after my physical assessment I acknowledge my emotional one.  That is my superpower, my gift, and yes, my purpose, because it is, at that moment I find another reason for gratitude, for kindness, for friendship, for family and love.  I contemplate the actions and service I can intersperse in my day.  So even in a time where we are home, we are feeling out of sorts, we are a bit adrift– allow me to offer a line to tether you to something bright and hopeful.   ME.  Because if you think of it that is all any of us has to give – We give of ourselves in whatever way we can.

Though I would be lying if I didn’t admit having limitations to my abilities.  For example – my ability to clean (keep it a secret but it is, in actuality, my desire).  My husband has been cleaning, cooking, walking the dog and other tasks that I am totally capable of – but have chosen to relinquish these activities to him.  It’s a gift to make myself believe that he enjoys folding laundry and cleaning bathrooms –!  I have also may be driving Scott a bit crazy with the shows I binge watch – some of them are toooo embarrassing to even admit to – He keeps he “can’t believe I watch such shows, can’t you see how depressing they are?”  “They aren’t real,” I respond, “But look at the stars they are gorgeous, actually the whole cast is.”  And if I am being honest, this is probably the 5th time I have watched this Friday night football series….win wink….from beginning to end, and I enjoy it every single time.

Everyone has a purpose and a gift – even the cast of Friday Night Lights and Vampire Diaries – there, I named them.  But so do you all….there is an end to all of this, there is a light.  Wake up every day and believe that!  Assess you vision and reach for it!  Soon you will realize that the journey to positivity is no longer because, you have arrived at that place.  Your journey can start today if you want!!!!

I am your cheerleader in this – I know you can, you will –everyone watch and see the transformation….

Have a great day!

Carol A

@funnycancermom

Is My View Askew – Let’s Talk It Through!

For most of us, this week/weekend is marked by a significant religious holiday!  A time to reflect on what has happened and what is to be.  The other day I had cause to do this, not because of the religious aspect, but by a journey my twins are about to make from Tampa to NY.  The trip was causing me some real anxiety and stress- which is crazy since I am not even going to be in the car.  I will just be home hitting refresh on my “Find My Friends” app every 2 minutes for 24 hours straight, but I have said it before – I am just a bit cuckoo when it comes to this kind of stuff.

Anyway, the journey has been planned and my mind as it a “wee” bit at ease – all to thanks of a warm and friendly woman named Percilla West.  She is the manager of the Hamptons Inn in Roanoke Rapids, NC; and she has gone above and beyond to put my mind at ease and offered such great customer service and care that has touched my heart and triggered me to review and view what has been and what will be.  So Percilla – Thank You!  For being you, for taking caring of what is dear to me, and for the Healing Bear you are sending!  May you be surrounded by good – always!

Me and My Mom

This random act of kindness put me on path.  2020 is the toughest year any of us could ever have imagined, and we are all chomping at the bit for it to end already.  For me I believe the end is near, in a good way that is.  These holidays ask us to look back and think of what has been and reflect.  So I began to look back, and I was drawn back to May 27, 2019.  From then to now has not been what I would consider ‘stellar’ in any way.  On this day, my mother – my reason for being and truly the fiber that runs through my body, woke up on the floor of her kitchen.  In a whirlwind 6 weeks, my mother was gone.  Aggressive small cell Lymphoma raced through her body quicker than a Butane soaked fire.  My world seemed to stop! Or stand still at least!  Prior to this, I was pretty sure footed – and now totally adrift unable to find a secure place to land.  If not for my husband, children, brother, sister-in-law, nieces, and close friends – I would probably still be circling adrift somewhere.  But they didn’t allow it.  The grabbed that rope and pulled me in!  That love, that care, that sense of being worthy of others was so fulfilling and sustaining that it brought me back.  Back and able to enjoy, to laugh, to celebrate and to cope. So in looking back for that down and then the UP, I am grateful!

The trend of loss, family injuries, minor fender-benders, emotional ups and downs continued, and culminated with a February 17th diagnosis of Lung Cancer –! And then the COVID pandemic hit. Wow, can you beat this run – I think not!  I guess we all can.  But can you find the positive in it?  Yes, yes I can! In 6-weeks it will be a year since my Mom fell.  So, I have decided – This year is done at 11:59 pm on May 27, 2020.  I have skewed my view of what a year should be – You know, I make things work the way I want them to be!!!!  Damned if you Do or Damned if you don’t – a negative me I just won’t!!!!!!  (Dr. Suess I am not either for that matter).

So back to this week, and why I feel blessed.  I have finished my 2nd chemo.  This one was definitely harder than the first.  The 1st time I had a few days (my cycle of bed days- I call it) of feeling somewhat yucky – all in all no big deal.  This time I was bedraggled, down and really YUCKY for 4 days:  really, really No Bueno!  Then Monday night came around, and the veil began to lift.  You would think I just won a $10,000,000 prize. I didn’t care that I had cancer or the world was fighting off this viral killer.  I was back!  I was ready to be positive, I was ready to find the good in my every day.  To spread positivity in any way I could – even if it is to make fun of my own inability to find a pair of matching socks in my drawer or laundry basket; or laugh at my lack of caring to put on a shirt and pants that aren’t closed by a zipper or a draw string; or, and maybe the funniest of all, my over emphasized joy that the mail has arrived……I mean it is like Steve Martin in “The Jerk” when the new phonebook arrived (I know some of you don’t even know what a phonebook is  or what The Jerk for that matter–oh so sad – it is a classic)….But let me get back to my point – there is good in the world, and even in the every CO-VIDay.  It is harder to find and tougher to look for –

TAKE THE TIME TO LOOK FOR IT – IT’S WORTH IT, I swear…..and if you find my other sock…..well, you know!!!!!

With gratitude, hope and joy!

Carol

@funnycancermom

And then Oprah said…

First the Virtual meet and greet!

Have you ever noticed that Oprah has become synonymous with “great things”. I can’t even say her name with out an emphasis on every letter — it’s OOOOPRAAAHHHH!. She is OOOOPRAHHHHH! And She truly is a force of positive energy, a beacon of light, and a genuine promoter of purpose, respect, resilience and self-worth. I felt it first hand. Awhile back my sister-in-law asked me if I wanted to come to the Oprah 2020 Vision Tour at the Barclay Center. I said “sure!” not really understanding exactly what it was. I learned Michelle Obama was going to speak and there were going to be a lot of conversations about health and wellness, I was excited. I was able to bring my daughter – Alissa – with me. She is a Jr. in college – studying entrepreneurship, with a focus on the health and wellness area. And, even more, it was a great excuse to have a fun Mommy-Daughter weekend.

We woke at around 6:30 on Saturday February 8, and got ready for the day. Excited, but still unsure of what it would bring — we were both just happy to share this day. This was event was the 3rd in a 9 tour engagement across the country. I had not been watching the news feeds about the prior events because I didn’t want to spoil any surprise that might come along with the day — we wanted to experience it organically… (ohhh how groovy that sounds!). I did get small glimpses from my sister-in-laws feed, as to the crowd capacity and star power involved. She (my sister-in-law Mindy) is the one who gifted Alissa and I these tickets and this access, and just a brief spoiler alert — I couldn’t be more thankful. And it really was a gift of a day.

We arrived at our parking lot at bout 8:35 am — and I must say the open and positive spirit was not being felt by some of the people on line for the lot. The poor attendant was solo and women were screaming at him. “I need you to take my car – I want to see OOOOPRRRAAAH” one woman ranted at the man. Alissa and I just felt awful. We were at the beginning of the line, but just to quell some of the screaming we let a few cars go ahead of us — and then gave the attendant a nice tip – it just felt like it waste right spirit to start the day off with…..Then Alissa and I pranced arm in arm — excited and anticipatory — to the arena. Every step brought more excitement.

As we walked, tickets in hand, the security guards kept directing us to different gates. It was kind of exciting. All of a sudden we arrived at the Diamond Concierge Gate — EWWWWWW Fancy we thought – with glee and a giggle! We wee given bands and big ticket necklaces — we were VIP! Which I knew but didn’t really know what it meant for this kind of event. Alissa and I went in feeling pretty special, and sopped everything up that was going on. We went walking around all the booths – we took pictures with the step and repeat Oprah and weaved through all of the virtual exhibit. We took it all in and really experienced the ever growing excitement from everyone who passed by….The energy was electric — I am not sure I have ever felt anything like it. We moved inside as the day was about to begin. We arrived at our seats and I was ecstatic. I was in a section with many people I knew and loved — more friends of my sister-in-law but also friends of mine. I was thrilled that we would have all these people to share this experience with. This was all keeping my mind off of something that was weighing heavy on me all week and I would not allow to seep in or disturb the day. It was a brilliant distraction.

From the moment the lights went down at 9 am to the moment the went up at 4:00 pm – I held my breathe. I was not expecting to be as enraptured, as emotional, as touched and as moved by what Alissa and I (and 15.000 others) were being drawn into. We were learning, we were experiencing, we were dancing, we were laughing, we were crying and we were transforming individually and communally. I can only classify it as ‘out as other worldly. Oprah spoke and we laughed, Oprah talked and we cried, Oprah regalled us with stories of her life and stories she learned — and we lapped up everything. There were moments (many moments actually) tthat brought to tears to our eyes. WHO WOULD OF THUNK IT TO BE TRUE –! There was Daybreaker (a sober rave group – and please don’t ask me what that means cause I have not a clue) lead by a couple with names like Radha and Brimer – of course. They were awesome. Then there was Julianne Hough and her Kinrgy; Julian English and his meditation moment and others. What a day – It truly primed me – I was ready for what I was about to face in the coming months.

This day couldn’t have come at a more important moment. I am a positive individual. But my week had put some obstacles in fornt of me — Two weeks earlier, I was diangosed with cancer (Lung Cancer to be exact) – and I had been going through tests to determine exactly what type. I knew I had to remain positive, after all this is my 3rd time facing a cancer diagnosis. Scott (my husband) and I hadn’t told anyone anything yet- I wanted to know all of the facts first. During the week I had a biopsy – no results yet but they initially felt I had Thymic Cancer — I knew those odds so POSITIVITY was what I needed. This day, that My incredible sister-in- Law, Mindy, gifted me, was miraculous. I was uplifted and ready to fight — what ever I was about to face – I was energized to do so.

But that wasn’t even the best part of the day. At the end, Those that hadthe band on their wrist were brought to a room – and there in front of me was – none other than OOOOPPPPRAHHHH! Her light and grace so close….I was dumbstruck and happy — elated really. Her aura infectious and my day was made. I was given the opportunity to meet her. She hugged my daughter and I like we were friends for years. She thanked us for coming and asked if I got anything out of it….OOOOPPPRAAAH asked me for my opinion…..OPRAH, said to me, “thank you for coming” OPRAH thanked me….OOOOPPPPPPRRRAH…..I felt more in that day than I can put into words –. Mindy, you are someone I admire, adore and respect and this day has helped me face this battle I embark on now — Thank you….

By the end of the next week, I had talked about that days events over and over. My daughter, who was back in Florida, and I rehashed everything all week as well. The next week when I had to let my family know about my health – I drew from the lessons I had learned, and presented my Lung Cancer Diagnosis with the optimistic flare – I believe to be my path towards beating this diagnosis. My Husband, son and daughter have been incredible, they were able to join me for my first chemo treatment – and they can be with me virtually, going forward if they wish. Corona (not th Beer) fear stops me from bringing in friends when I sit for treatment. — My friends, my support group of women who really are my rocks are unflinching and unwavering in their ability to bolster me up and make me laugh and feel as though nothing is going on. My brother and sister-in-law, who I revere in so many ways, are so hugely supportive and present when I need them, as are my Nieces who really just light up my life in a plethora of ways

But almost as important –My daughter and I met with OPRAH & and I talked with her – So, like I said, “when I was talking to Oprah” I got a sense of what the why she is OOOOPPPPRRAAAAHHH! And Oprah – I heard you – because of you Iknow that ICAN, I WILL, WATCH ME beat cancer – again!!!!!

Reality Meet and Greet

How did I get here – again?

I know I face an uphill battle – but surrounded by love of family and friends I will fight, laugh, kick, scream and dance my way through – Again!

Let me restart from the beginning! Many will remember that in 1982 I was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Disease. I was 20 – a Sr. in College . The treatment I was given had some unwelcome side affects – though most didn’t appear for almost 20 years. And, frankly, I was happy that I survived and never really thought about these side affects until they began popping up. But I wasn’t until 30 years later I was diagnosed with my 2nd type of cancer. This time it was Breast Cancer. I was told tat it was a potential side affect, but I had been fine for so long – I thought I had beaten the odds. After 6 months of chemo, I was confident that I had beat that as well. Which, for all intents and purposes, I had!

Now, 11 years later I have been diagnosed with Lung Cancer. And again, they can almost definitely trace it back to the original treatment I had in 1982. I know some would be furious or outraged or angry – but that’s just not me. Like with the last 2 I have every intention of fighting this with the same kind of positive, open, direct and humorous attitude that I used the last time! But since that one only kept me healthy for 11 years — I will have to work 3 times harder for it to last for at least 30 more years. I am willing – So for those that followed me before or to my new followers let me give you a recap of how the last 2 months unfolded…..

So, I January I had the weirdest kind of exhale/cough combo. Almost unnoticeable to anyone else. I actually felt annoyed by how ridiculous of an affect I thought it was. But, after 2 cancers I am pretty attune to my body and, well, I kind of knew something wasn’t right. So I called my Dr. and set up an appointment — At first glance, I looked and felt (for the most part) fine. So I was given an inhaler for a week or so. It just so happened I had my annual physical scheduled for 2 weeks from that point. But the Nurse Practitioner said if it isn’t better in a week, call.

Needless to say I called. I went for a chest x-ray, they thought maybe it was walking pneumonia. To double check they sent me for a CT Scan – with contrast. Once they mentioned that – I knew where I was headed – sort of. So I need to digress for a second and talk about my Dr. He is about my age – and I have known him for almost 20 years. He is funny and unflappable. He was also my parents Dr. So we really have a history. Two weeks earlier he learned (from my husband) that my Mom had passed away 6 months before (she was living in Florida at the time). So on this day, I decided to great him with the outcome before he could tell me. He walked into the room where my husband and I were waiting – and I blurted out “So tell me am I going to meet my mother soon?” I totally shocked him – I knew and I knew he knew that I was not going to be coddled. I want to know what I am fighting — that way I can prepare myself for battle totally and appropriately. Anyway, the next series of events was quite the rollercoaster.

The scans showed a mass dead in the center of my mediastinum – my chest cavity. The immediate diagnosis was Thymic Cancer and it was a pretty severe diagnosis. I read about it – and never lost hope but the reading wasn’t so great. But I continued to look for the hope. When the biopsy results came back my Oncologist – Sarah Sadan – said – “you are an enigma” . While everything about your disease points one way – your test results point another. It turns out I have typical Lung Cancer. Instead of the mass growing inward into my lung (like most do) mine grew outward from the lung wall into the chest cavity. The positives here are many. They have made many strides in treating lung cancer’s – new therapies, new drugs, which gives me new hopes for a cure. Lung Cancer is not a walk in the park but it is better than what was first thought – and with all of this what isn’t factored in is me.

I am not willing to look at a negative outcome. I have learned that my attitude, my drive, my desire and fight is my Superpower! Today is day one of the new blog, it is day 60 of this battle. Over the next few months please follow along with me — 4 weeks ago at the Oprah 2020 Vision Tour, I learned so much — She gifted us with an affirmation – I CAN, I WILL, WATCH ME – that is my purpose right now! SO all of you WATCH ME! CAUSE I AM HERE FOR THE LONG HAUL!!!!!!!!!

More to follow – xoxo Carol @funnycancermom