Category: Uncategorized

Time to Reflect

This morning I was meditating and Oprah referenced Elie Wiesel. I was lucky enough to take his class when I went to BU (back in the 80’s) – It was not for credit but it was one of the best classes I had ever taken. He spoke and I was captivated by every word. I felt as though he was, truly, speaking directly to me. And 40 years later his lessons resonate even more. His message reached the very core of who I am. Some of you always say I have such a positive attitude – and that is true, but I get it, partially from lessons I learned in his class. His messages were more directed towards fighting oppression – which I agree with on all levels, but I internalized and applied them in others as well. Take this little ditty -“I write to understand as much as to be understood.” This is exactly why I blog – not just to tell you what is happening in my life, but it helps me understand what is going on and how I can approach dealing with what is going on.

So let’s get to what is going on. The last month has been a bit odd. I finished Brain and spine radiation on 11/18/2020. Turns out you need to get all the radioactivity out of your body before you can take the next step. Who knew radiation trumps cancer on the “danger scale” :). So last week we were “clear” to move forward with the next step of my treatments. Monday I went to take blood tests for an upcoming Lumbar Puncture procedure that was planned for Wednesday, but my platelet counts were too low so they have had to cancel. I am being retested tomorrow (Monday) so I hope all will be okay – but you never know. It is annoying because you have to bolster yourself up for many of these tests to begin with so putting a hold on a test puts a damper kink in the flow – but that is life, and that is how I am living “keyword living” – so no biggy. Though I would like to get it scheduled before Christmas.

It is one of those things people say but rarely means. Like the way my husband is always saying “You gotta live one day at a time”. He sees that as a positive – and that works for him. But he says it so matter of factly that I am not always so sure he is truly embracing the meaning but he feels he is. I look at it differently. I think “you have to live!” no matter how many days you are talking about. And that is truly how I live these days. For example – this week has been somewhat of a challenge.

So I woke up today, Monday, feeling really strong. I knew I was facing a tough week but I was ready. Tuesday I met with this incredible brain surgeon Dr. Mohan. Truly, truly impressive. He explained the Brain procedure so well and in layman’s terms that I automatically felt at ease. He also said we may not even need to do the Omaya Reservoir (brain procedure)–if the Lumbar Puncture didn’t produce results that would contradict the necessity. Wednesday was supposed to be the Lumbar Puncture- but like all things medical, everything was to be based on your “blood” numbers. After I left the Brain Surgeon my Oncologist called to say my platelets were so low that we had to reschedule the Lumbar Puncture. I admit it I cried. When I regained my composure, I asked how do we move forward. So I had to go back in yesterday to do another blood test but the results were only slightly better so they decided to give me a blood transfusion – Seems easy but let me just say I arrive at the Dr. at 9:45 am and arrived home at 5:45 pm. OY, what a day I had. The silver lining is that when I arrived home my kids were there. What a great boost for me. I am pretty positive always but this is always such a great spirit booster. Matt and Alissa make me laugh and smile every time they are near.

So now I wait. Monday I go back for blood tests and hopefully all will be back on track so that I can do my Lumbar puncture. Do I feel perfect after the transfusion – no- but I do feel a bit better. If my numbers don’t bounce back enough I will have to jump over another hurdle – a Bone Marrow Biopsy. I have had one (in 1982) not fun or enjoyable but ‘been there done that’ and I will muster the courage to face that as well cause I look at it as if I am crossing off potential issues before they become a problem, and “hopefully” putting them in my rearview mirror for the time being. My kids leave today so I plan on just spending the day enjoying them.

This weekend Scott, Matt, Alissa and I played board games, we laughed and hung out. We talked and watched movies. Matt set up my Roku – which, thanks to my friends Wendy and Doug, we got so I can stream all my shows. We will finish the weekend and plan to see each other for Xmas, but my blood counts are the master of this holiday so – It will be what it will be. But I want to leave you all with my message for the end of 2020, but definately a message for beyond. While it is a birthday wish I originally created for my Sister-in-law Mindy….It is truly something I wish for you all of you for going forward. It goes like this…..

You are a gift to all of us that know you – and even more so over the past 10 months!  So my wish to you at the end of 2020 is as follows:

May these coming days, weeks, months, and year be filled with more blessings than anything else.

May these days, weeks, months, and years bring more joy than ever before.

May these days, weeks, months, and years be filled with health and happiness.

May these days, weeks, months, and years be a time where wrongs are righted in the world and cures are found for so many “ills” and illnesses.

And on Day 364 let us all sit back to reflect on the glorious year because I wish that on day 365 of next year all this goodness repeats forever and ever.

So here it is – my trick, my way of staying positive in the face of adversity and potential negativity. I look to offer positivity while I live amidst a time in my life when it is not so easy to do so. I get how hard it is for so many of us who face potential tough diagnosies — it is hard to find your way out of the muck. But I choose the lighter side, the lovely side, the family side, the friend’s side, the fun side – I CHOOSE HOPE – Because as Elie Wiesel said: “Just as man cannot live without dreams, he cannot live without hope. If dreams reflect the past, hope summons the future.” And here is what I see as my hopes and my future! And I will not top fighting to have this for as long as I possibly can! Try it, I recommend it highly…

My hopes are that your futures look as bright and hopeful as mine! Happy Holiday season to you all!

Carol

@funnycancermom

Thankful – always and Forever

I am grounded in the belief that I WILL OVERCOME!

I believe I have always been Thankful for many things. I have a long history of facing some pretty significanct up hill battles, yet I have never let them define my desire to seek out the good, the happy, the funny and the uplifting. Even when faced with insurmountable odds. I believe this thought train is how I am able to fight off much of the negative news I that are standing in my path at the moment. Listen I am no super hero — It is not always possible, but for the most part — I can do it. It helps my friends uderstand how important it is for me to stay cogent, honest, and aware…..that is what keeps me moving forward.

I would lke to offer a brief lesson. I get how hard it must be to talk with someone whom you know may be facing a brutal event. I get it may be hard to figure what is the right way to express your emotions. No judgemnt – i know it is hard – but frankly some of you need a bit of help :). May I start by saying it is not the “afflicted’s” job to ease your angst. Telling someone how devasted you are that they are so sick is a bit odd. It is not as though I (or whomever) is thrilled with the diagnosis either. But, I didn’t get the diagnosis to devaste you….Just Saying! I didn’t get the diagnosis to make you cry. Just sayin’, and I didn’t geth te diagnosis to make you fell sorry for me – JustSayin’. I truly appreciate that you care. But I am your friend and what I want to hear from you is romal conversation. Gossip, How the kids are, whats happening for dinner, Binge watching items, interesting podcasts, and other conversations that are just about regular day to day events. Again, I want to say no judgments — I just thought maybe this would help you in the future.

I am open and honest about what faces me. Dr’s have been straight foraward with a coating of EOL reality. I get it. But here is the thing about me, and the thing sthat still confuses the DR.’s. I am and my case is so totally out of the box that their is no direct route to an answer. Which is why I fight and question and explore and talk to anyone and everyone about my future. Luckily enough, my family has connections that have helped me send out inquiries around the world. And I am hopeful. Today I speak with a Dr. at MSKCC. She may have something promising or maybe not — but either way I look at as a step forward. And I am hopeful.

But most of all, I want you all to continue to be positive about whatever is to come. In my life, in your life and all lives – becauseface it — it ain’t easy out there right now – for any of us. Being postive is an incredble driving force to so many things. My focus is on getting healthy for however long, spending quality, fun, connected and joyful time with family and friends (yes even the ones that have trouble talking to me :). LIfe is to be enjoyed — and that is my plan.

My closest friends get it and we can joke — yes even about the “possibility” of, well, uyou know — but it is okay becasue it is my way to process, to deal, and to come to terms if need be.

This is an odd blog- I get it. But I want you all to know I can and will talk about anything. I am not fragile. I fighting, and I am happy, and I am surrounded by incredible people — some that know I am speakingofthem and some that don’t — no worries — YOu all rock!!!!

A funny thing happened at Chemo!

Again I have to say, “it has been awhile”. So let me catch you up. Since we last spoke I switched my chemo protocol (twice). The last one was a combo of Tencentriq/carboplatain/Etoposide. This was a 3 day protocol every 3 weeks. I hated it. It was harsh on my system, I had some unfriendly side effects and frankly didn’t do much shrinkage wise. So I was happy to end that. For the last 6 weeks (I started Sept 8) I have been doing Radiation (let the Glow Jokes commence) + a Taxol/Carboplatain combo (both chemo) and that has had some results in the positive column. And luckily very few side effects. Monday is my last radiation treatment. Because of my previous history with radiation, the Dr.s say my body will not tolerate any more – so this is a 6 week and done option. I will get scanned in 1 1/2 weeks and then I go on Maintenance. Sounds a bit like a Diet Plan. Maintenance consists of an Immunotherapy (TBD) and maybe a support drug called Avastin. I will not learn the deal until after the Scan results are in.

But let me tell you about the weird side effects I had from the Taxol/Carbo protocol. My husband wanted to film it every time because he said it was so funny. I cant say that I remember any of it. I was told it lasted about 1 hour. It was caused by the “premeds”. — Two of which are drugs many of us take on a regular basis – but because they are given intravenously they often cause different reactions. The Drugs involved Benadryl, Dexamethasone, Eloxi (like a Zofran). The first time, I began to tell the nurse of the side effects next thing I remember is Scott saying Hello sleepy head.

I guess that was what I really learned from this go round (more so than the Breast Cancer Chemo in 2010). the nurses made my treatments (no matter how bad) have times of laughter, and smiles., and not scary. I don’t think their could be any higher praise for a scary, not fun period in ones life. Dare I say it has been the best experience of all 3 of my cancers. We also got Scott special approval to sit with me through treatment. Admittedly we fibbed a bit. Most of my treatments I had to do alone. And then on the advice of one of the nurses, we mentioned to the Dr. that without him there I was suffering form terrible anxiety, and while not exactly true the Dr. wrote a note giving him permission to be with me. He had to be masked and couldn’t leave the bay I was in during treatment but that was ok.

Scott and I would arrive. First was checkin, then weigh in, then off tho the seat I was assigned to Sit in. Once moved in to my bay, we began to set up for the next 3 hours. We both got our computers out and plugged in, Telephones out, and lunch box with my snacks for the day. Once settled in, my port is accessed and blood is drawn. First step was to hydrate me so I was hooked up to a saline drip until the meds arrived. We needed to wait about an hour for the blood results, so we called the homeopathic relief team — I would get weekly foot massages and Reiki. Isn’t that just so “boujie” that they offer that to all us going through treatment.

Then we would start the Layering process. As the meds were being given, I would begin to get cold and begin to shake. So the nurses would start layering me with warm blankets. I looked a little like an eskimo — head to toe cloaked in white hospital blankets. Getting up from under all that to go to the bathroom was a 2 person job. After that we turn on the TV and watch my boyfriend (I would joke with Scott). Jim Cramer of CNBC and Mad Money. I never watched this type of show before but something drew me to it and frankly he makes me laugh (and I learned some stuff too). Maybe the drugs or the tumor is turning me into a secret financial geek…..No chance of that – Just ask my brother.

So as the drugs were “pushed” (the medical term for adding them to my IV) I began to get Loopy (these is Scott’s version of what happened). He would say that I would start talking gibberish. Then my right leg wouldn’t stop moving (it turns out restless leg is a side effect). So now envision me moving and shaking my leg, talking gibberish all while sleeping. I can only imagine it is a bit like Steve Martin when he did the “Wild and Crazy” guy routine. Other side effects included itching in areas I will not disclose. Oy! Even the nurses had a good laugh at my expense – and if I didn’t revere them all so much, I may have gotten annoyed. But the nurses that take care of me are group of Super humans. They deal with illness and death and emotion and medicines and reactions and they remain positive, calm, helpful, positive, and connected to everyone of the patients they work with (could be up to 8 at a time). Scott and I could not thank them enough but we did bae them cookies every week — which they really seemed to enjoy. Well except the Rolo cookies that I left 2 ingredients out of. they were hard and tasteless I think —

Anyway, this is my round abut way of saying that this experience of horror has not been that at all. Of all the treatments I have been through, this experience (with moments of extreme fear, occasional pain, and quite a bit of tears) has also been complimented by laughter, caring, friendship and smiles. Not a usual way to describe Chemo and Radiation. In a week and 1/2 I get a scan, in a week and 1/2 I will learn something new and, hopefully, something positive. I learned to look and listen for the good news. It is easy to focus on bad, and hard to turn it into good and positive….Cancer, Chemo and Radiation make it hard to find the positive, yet finding the good, the funny and light is my way and I find that easy. So I guess it’s true Something happened on the way to Chemo – and I am positive it is something good.

No Trimming the Fat!

So what has been stuffed into the last month feels like, I imagine, beings stuffed inside the Staypuff Marshmallow suit. SO much so that I was toying with the idea of calling this the Fatty Blog by a Fatty Blob. I know it sounds silly but let me tell you about my fat-filled adventures of the past 4 1/2 weeks.

A bit more than a month ago I woke up unable to move my leg. This normally would have been a “good day” in my cycle between chemos. So immediately a bit of fear struck me – it was like a brick falling on my head. Tears began to fall, negativity filled my inner thoughts, and fear for my kids bubbled up into my throat. I sat up in bed – and saw that my left knee (on the inside) was twice the size it was the night before. Sheer terror filled my being. This is what my mom’s legs looked like towards the end. I couldn’t control my body – I sobbed and shook and became overwhelmed with dread.

I watched the clock until it hit 9 am – so I could call the Dr immediately. The NP heard the fear in my voice and said “get here now.” Scott was still not allowed in the building with me so I was alone, in pain, and truly afraid. Two Scans were already scheduled. Both with IV contrast. Something, that for me is so anxiety-producing. Let me explain why. When I had done chemo for my Breast Cancer years ago, I had the choice of getting a port or using my veins directly. I was trying to be a bigshot. A warrior, unflappable and, frankly obnoxiously filled with false bravado. In the end, I blew every vein – they all collapse, roll or, worse, pop, and/or inflame. I, unfortunately, have had this trouble ever since. My own fault – so I accept it, but I have never had a smooth time of having IV’s put in since. Anyway back to the scan. The first was of the leg, and second was of the chest – because needless to say I was having chest pains from the anxiety.

Forty-eight hours of waiting was a bit torturous for me. My chest was beginning to calm, and my leg – well, the swelling hadn’t changed, but it wasn’t throbbing anymore. So I took that as a good sign. That was until the call came in. Dr. Sadan called to let me know that the mass in my leg is called a Lipoma – a 15 cm Lipoma – ” A what? I ask nervously.” A 15 centimeter mass of Fatty Tissue. “NOOOOOOOOO!” I screamed internally. It can’t be. Fatty tissue — Haven’t I had enough — 3 cancer’s, 4 types of Chemo & Radiation (which cause most to lose weight but – ooh, but not me – I only lose my hair which weighs nothing). Fatty tissue is just another a side affect – damn, I got enough of that already. “Is there anything I can do ?” I asked the Dr. “Short of surgically removing – Nope!” Well good news, yes, but still being fatty didn’t cause a happy dance.

My next week goes by unceremoniously. Thankfully, because then I am hit with 2 new masses. Neither feeling like the one on my leg. One is on my right breast – which I find odd since I had a double mastectomy 10 years ago. This one coincided with some disturbing blood test results. There is a Tumor marker titled Breast Assay 27.29 that I am tested for every 3 to 6 weeks. It lets you know the presence of potential disease but – not a definitive positive or negative. My last three tests showed my numbers elevating – and then Wednesday evening I felt a small pea-like lump on my right upper breast. It was hard and it was sensitive to the touch – nothing good about those two characteristics. After the scare from the week before – I remained calm. So much so I didn’t tell Scott until Saturday. But then something warned me it was time to fill him in. And I did. Tuesday Morning I was once again in at the Ultrasound Lab. This time though, a red flag was waving – and a biopsy was scheduled. So calm went out of the window yet again. By the end of the week, another Lump was found – this time under my left arm towards my back. They were popping up everywhere.

This positive, strong, and forward-looking cancer survivor and patient began to rewrite her will. She had written letters to her friends, and given instructions to her brother. Positivity had left the building along with Elvis — and for those that know me – I would never believe that could happen. I am a diehard optimist, a true believer that I can overcome whatever is thrown at me – and I have proven it. Up until this point I have been resolute and steadfast in the knowledge that I will fight whatever is thrown at me — and yet these 3 weeks broke me — they were the straw that broke my resilience. I was a blubbering mess. I was not walking away from this – I was Debbie Downer – the single entity I NEVER WANTED TO BE! I kept my distance from everyone that week. My Rocks noticed I wasn’t returning calls – so they reached out to Scott. I can not remember who told them what was going on cause it was just a blur. But they let me knew they were there for me in any way I needed them and I knew they meant it — I just couldn’t face them or what was happening.

Friday they scheduled an UltraSound on my Back. I arrived, a bit shaky but ready. At first, they had trouble getting an image. The technician, who was lovely told me she was going to get the Radiologist because she was having a bit of difficulty — she tried to sound light-hearted — I just couldn’t tell if she found something or if she was just relatively new at this. I tried to remain calm but a few teardrops began to fall. It took about 5 minutes for the Dr. to come in. We exchanged a few pleasantries to assuage my fear and then he got back to work. It wasn’t a minute before he began to speak. He was very thorough about the type of masses that can be found in a body, but frankly, I wanted to know only about this one….then finally he came to it. “Yours,” he said, “is what is called a Lipoma, or a grouping of fatty cells. They are not dangerous and unless they become painful I suggest you leave them alone.” I began to weep uncontrollably. The Dr thought it was joyful tears –partly, maybe, but also somewhat distraught – I was once again wracked with the thought that my body is slowly becoming a Botero painting – gloriously clad with clumps of fat. I still had the biopsy ahead. This lump had none of the same characteristics as the others so I was still feeling slightly negative. But this was a Monday thing so the wait continued.

Monday morning I was a true mess. I didn’t sleep a wink and my nerves were racing. I could feel my heart beating and thumping….I was straight-up scared. The worst I had been in 2 weeks. The blood test numbers pointed to a cancerous tumor, the original ultrasound was very sketchy and even though I just had 2 bits of good news — I couldn’t fathom having 3. The staff was incredible – but it didn’t help to calm me — I was sobbing uncontrollably with fear. They explained they couldn’t start until I calmed down – which I tried to do several times. The Dr. explained every step and she did so accurately, but my eyes still dripped with tears. Lidocaine first to numb the area, then a Novocaine shot (which stings a bit more than expected by the way) to numb the mass, and then the needle biopsy. Five clicks and it’s done. I began to cry again – just because I was thankful it was over. Before I left, they gave me a bit of wound care instructions and let me know I would have the results by Thursday. Yeah – More Waiting!

Tuesday afternoon my Dr. called – it kind of scared me becasue I wasn’t expecting her call, so I picked up quickly. ” Carol? It’s Sandy. I have the biopsy results.” I was dead silent and couldn’t move. “Do you want me to send them to you or tell you over the phone or both?” “Tell me”, I jumped. It’s what’s called a Fatty Necrosis – it is a condition that occurs when a person experiences an injury to an area of fatty tissue.” “Are you kidding me? Now my fat is getting Fat globs – will it ever end.” We both laughed and she said she was happy to have given me the good news – if that is what you would call it! Which it is and I know it – but really enough with the Fat already.

Well the good news is I am back on the positivity train. I am feeling as though I still have the opportunity of a bright and long future — albeit I will make sure to keep paying my WW dues for the rest of my life (I truly am a lifetime member) – cause I see a lot more Fat in my Future. I hope to trim away any residual negativity this may have left and find a way for this Fat Blogger with cancer to deal with Her Fat Blobbers that have no cancer!

Have a great day -and remember FAT is not always bad news or ugly news – Fat can be beautiful – just ask Botero!

@funnycancermom

Carol

The Heroes I have Met!

Heroes by Day and Night!

It shocks me that it has already been 6 weeks since I last wrote to you all. Time certainly flies when you are having….Chemo. Actually, I found out after my last set of scans that the first treatment wasn’t working. And I say that with a ? mark at the end. My Mass had neither shrunk nor had it grown – so I feel the treatment was doing something…just not everything. I guess I look at it with a “glass half full — they (some of the Dr.’s) see it as a glass half empty andthe results were not what hey wanted to see. They say Tomato and I say “it ain’t all that bad”. So after three scans and a recheck of the pathology to reconfirm the Lung Cancer diagnosis, I began a new treatment cocktail at the end of June. And for the 1st time I felt fear, and sadness, and wept often. I believe the fear was from the unknown, with a dash of worry that they end maybe nye. That kind of outlook was new for me and maybe that also added to the fear. I couldn’t imagine where this was negativity was coming from — it wasn’t me.

I had never heard of this new regimen and when I put it up on the group chats, I realized Inot many others had either.. No one responded to my questions. So I began to panic. I was sure and confident up until this time, but this was different for meI was not a worrieror, but I felt, but I all of a sudden was. So much so that I sat and I wrote a document (9 pages I think) for my husband and brother. It had lists my wishes for after, well you know and locations of everything and all things people think of at the end. I sent out a few letters to specific people thanking them….I was petrified. And I had never been before. this treatment scared the SH.. out of me. It is a 3 day infusion process. Day 1 is all 3 drugs — 6-7 hours alone (because guests are still not allowed). Day 2 & 3 are 4-hour drips. And Day 5 is a shot that causes every bone to ache for 4 days. This is how it was explained and frankly, this is how it felt. I couldn’t get past it and that was so weird for me.

Later I realized I was going through this new treatmet right around the 1 year anniversary of my Mom’s sudden death — so subconsciously this was effecting me — but I couldn’t see it at the time. I was just a mess on all ends. And for truly the first time in my life — I couldn’t put words to the feelings. I was at a loss to find the one way I know how to communicate my feelings. My theraputic release had left me for a bit.

Any way backto the treatment details. On Day 7 I emerged from the pain and the fog and begin to feel like myself. I was able to do much more and move around. And by Wednesday I was back, thankfully! So while there are a bit more downsides to this protocol – there are upsides I believe as well. When I am back to normal I seem to have more energy. This past week alone I walked more than ever before. I feel there are differences in my breathing, I feel that the mass has shifted (does that mean shrunk – I don’t know but I hope so). I feel like my head may or may not be a bit fuzzier – but that is nothing to severe. Some people talk about Chemo Brain (which is very similar to pregnancy brain – I also suffered from that) – lucky me ☺️ !

So Today I am at the hospital for round 2 of 3 infusions then friday for a shot of Nuelasta. The fear has subsided, as I know what to expect. Doesn’t mean I like this week any better but I am not afraid of it. I happen to have an unbelievable set of the greatest nurses. Yes all the nurses I know are great, and a few are my personal friends so it seems like I am promoting from within :). These angels take care of me to just an unmatched level. they are superheroes – everyday they are there for people dealing with true setbacks and with out the support of loved ones (in the hospital). they are smiley, sweet, helpful, caring, respectful, kind, and present. No one could imagine how all 0of that is therapeutic in its own right. I can never thank them enough for the care. I bake them cookies – but that seems half baked. That 1st day in June when my fear boiled over into uncrontrolable sobs they were so wonderful – they kept me calm and checked in on me costantly and just made me feel that positive sense I had always had but had lost for a bit. They brought it bac for me and I can never repay them for that — even the cookies I back for them every time is just the smallest bit of thanks….not nearly enough.

Heroes are a rare breed. Because they do not know they are heroes. The nurses here cover 18 bays. Individuals receiving treatments for a variety of cancer’s and are all in a variety of stages. Some patients are kind and funny – like me of course, and some are angry, some are depressed, and some are belligerent. That doesn’t affect them. They are as sweet and smiley with them all. I watch them move in an orchestrated way that could seem phrenetic but it also looks ballet like. And even at my worst – the care they give was exceptional. And my level of awe jumps higher every time I am here – which truthfully is to often – but they make it ok.

So this post is really just an ode to them and what Nurses mean to me. I can only imagine how and what they meant to all of those hospitalized with COVID — alone and scared — They are a lifeline that we, as a country, should all be supported by the hospital administrations nationwide — paid appropriately, listened to intently and be treated with the utmost respect!!!!

THANK YOU – YOU ARE ALL MY HEROES!!!!!!!

@FUNNYCANCERMOM

ALL THINGS BEING EQUAL

TOGETHER SEPRERATELY!

All things equal today is a great day.  Even if I woke up this morning (Saturday of Memorial Day Weekend 2020) still living in quarantine.  Even if I woke up this morning and I still had Lung Cancer and even if I woke up this morning feeling uncertain about what is in store for the next few weeks, months, and years.  None of that matters, because I am certain that with All Things Being Equal I would still have woken up today feeling positive about the future, hopeful about life, and willing to make choices that consider all rather than one.  That’s my way.  Sometimes, I don’t always get my way, but that never stops me from trying.

Today I participated in an intimate zoom call with 40,000 other people and OPRAH – so I guess 40,000 and 1.  The topic centered on relationships during self-quarantine and social distancing.Before it started, I thought I had a pretty good handle on this subject – with regards to me, but it turns out – Not so much. 

I am a social animal. I love people.  I can talk to anyone.  I usually find a connection of some kind (my friends’ joke that while it maybe 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon it’s usually only 4 degrees of Carol).  I can find interest in something someone is saying almost always; though, I am not Gandhi – I have had a few times in life where I was in a place, event, or gathering, and I just wanted to run screaming from the monotony or the boredom or, worse, both.  But, when all of the Quarantini parties started, or re “zoom” ions or Friday Night Cocktails and Chats started, it wasn’t easy for me to get on board – it seemed to highlight that we were isolated.  Don’t get me wrong, I participated for a bit, but I felt the absence of presence.  Scott was my only presence 24/7.  Excluding our Honeymoon – I don’t really think we have ever been together that much EVER.

At the beginning of the quarantine, all was fine – it was new, and our underlying belief was that it wouldn’t last that long kept us moving forward easily.  After the 3rd week, I got that there was going to be a lot of Scott and I.  I didn’t always feel great (the chemo did that) but I did my best to hide that.  I still wanted to be social.  Go to the store.  Social distance on a walk; but my needs to be social were equaled by Scott’s desire to not be social. He and I were at odds over this.  I have since learned that this opposition in feelings is shared by many.  Couples everywhere were dealing with this same E-quotient divide.

In this group of 40,000, 1 couple openly shared their experience on this exact topic.  It was as if they were talking directly to me. Before the virus hit, they were a couple, a unit, a team, a partner, and a spouse.  They were all of the things couples are supposed to be – but what they weren’t supposed to be is those things 24 hours a day 7 days a week.  We are all supposed to get breaks, moments to recharge, moments of separation, and lives where all boundaries don’t keep overlapping on all sides.  This was what I needed, what I wanted…from Scott, and I didn’t know how to tell him.

By early April my irritation, impatience, and flat out annoyance began to appear in not always so pleasant ways – though, admittedly, I didn’t see it.  I found a way to pick at Scott for just sighing the wrong way. I was feeling the effects of solitude – but hadn’t acknowledged them yet.  Going through cancer during Coronavirus made me feel isolated on a visceral level.  On treatment days I had to be alone – arrive alone, wait alone, and be treated alone.  It was hard work keeping my s**t together – which sometimes I couldn’t but worked hard to wipe off any signs of unsteadiness by the time I was home.   I am not willing to show anything but optimism.  That is as much for him as it is for me.  I know how nervous he gets when he has to go out.  He fears that he will bring something back into the house that could make me sick, which is sweet – but I wouldn’t allow l myself to think that way.  Sometimes I just needed a break from the togetherness.  Neither of our personalities were very supportive of what the other needed at this moment.

Very soon after this, I reached the pinnacle of my annoyance. I needed a roadmap to help me help us off this path.  At this very moment I realized I needed to take a step back and see that we were both going through this together, just in separate ways.  Just because our reactions are different doesn’t mean that one of us is affected less than the other.  ALL THINGS BEING EQUAL, we are both internalizing and externalizing our feelings in our own and very different ways: As it should be, since our personalities are very different.  And on any other given day – this is what I would want because this fact is what makes us work so well together. 

It was an eye-opening realization.  I am always so willing to share my insides with those on the outside.  It is a part of me that I am so proud.  But my insides got a bit jumbled being home. My feelings had been isolated as well and they are not used to that.  I have always had an outlet for them, but zoom didn’t seem like the right medium for me, so they stayed inside me and inside my home.  Tucked away in a corner closet so to speak.  But, “you can’t put Baby in a corner” and eventually they came spilling out.  But as with so much in my life, I learned from it.  And today, as I listened to the Oprah’s Your Life in Focus: A Vision Forward Webinar – I was able to put all of this into it’s correct compartment in my mind.  Here is my take:

Oprah talked about the importance of I AM and what I AM’s can do.  What can they do you ask, well, I AM’s can set you on a path towards a goal.  I AM is the first step (or the first words) in moving towards being who we are in the best way.  Oprah used an example – “when you say I Am something…I am giving direction to an action.  We often attached it to a negative action like I am tired, I am mad, I am moody, I am overweight.” But what if we change the action to a positive one?  What if I say I AM working on gaining more strength, or I AM taking positive steps towards my own sense of purpose?  We are setting out on a path towards beneficial outcomes and ALL THINGS BEING EQUAL that is a better path to take.  I mid-April Scott and I began to work on changing our I AM, and I am happy to say it seems to be a good direction.

I AM still trying to be the “Lamp” in the room or the “ladder” by which I climb when trying to help others!  I AM still choosing to be more positive, encouraging, and assured as I can be because that direction makes me feel less shaken and stirred by the world events (and my illness).  I AM ready to emerge from this isolation softer, stronger, and more solidly united – though still physically apart.

The good thing is (you had to know there would be a good thing) that while this may not be a perfect world right now, ALL THINGS BEING EQUAL, I AM confident that we are heading towards one, and none too soon.

ALL THINGS BEING EQUAL is a good place to start!  Happy Memorial day

6:21

6:21 6/30

Ok there are a few things I can’t believe – The first is that it is May 9th and it is 33 degrees outside – COVID is snow effecting the weather as well – RIDICULOUS!  The other is that, this will be my 1st Mother’s Day without my Mom – and that is hard to believe as well.

It seems totally unbelievable inconceivable, that she passed away 11 ½ months ago but it is true.  After, it took me a few months, to return to my regular type rhythm – but I did.  Mom always found a way to pop in to my thoughts daily – and in the sweetest ways.  Like Emma saying she wanted to get on a plane because she would be closer to Grandma in heaven, or Alissa putting together the perfect “presentation outfit” for class – and it would be adorned by one of my Mom’s Clever Carriage necklaces, or Rita calling to tell me a story about how something happened that just totally reminded her of Mom – and Rita laughing at the events as though Mom was standing right there laughing with her. 

Bernice truly moved through this world like Ivy would spread up an over an old brick home – adding that touch majesty, charm and heart to what every she touched.  She naturally affixed herself to everyone she met, as did her inexhaustible energy, joy, vitality and beauty.  Her mere presence could fill stadiums.  When she left this world, I felt the Ivy begin to wilt away and with it faded some of the sparkle she spread.  As the hole began to mend, I noticed, I felt different towards things. I think, I began to look the world through her eyes – or through my eyes – but with her spin.  I couldn’t figure how that could have happened, but as I began to look back, I think I figured it out.

I know I am jumping around a little here, but let me tell you a little bit about those last moments I spent with my mom – I have replayed these moments over and over in my head – there are a few items I wish I could change, but selfishly those same events I feel blessed that they didn’t.  Specifics are not that important here and understand that some of these memories are only for me to keep, but what I can share is where and when, I believe, the transfer of love and spirit occurred. 

From the weeks we were at the hospital to the week in hospice, my brother Neil and I had a routine.  Our days started early – we wanted to be the before the shifts changed.  Get the night time update, see the Dr.’s – who were sometimes illusive – but most importantly we both wanted that to see her eyes every morning. She still possessed a bit of that ever-present twinge.  Her light still illuminating. Neil and I would take turns taking breaks.  Visitors streamed in and out daily – and we were so thankful for that.  After about 3 weeks of this, we knew it was her time to be moved hospice.  Though that didn’t alter our routine.  Scott, Matt and Alissa had come for the weekend.  While they had said their goodbyes once before – they wanted to come again. I wanted that too.  On this particular evening, Neil and Mindy had just left to go back to help Lizzy, and I was planning on meeting Neil and Mindy later for dinner.  The Scott and the kids had just texted that they were about to board and would call when they landed.  It was just Mom and I, and I loved (and hated) this time.  It was special to me and for me.  I would sit side by side with Mom. Her left hand in my right hand.  Unconsciously my thumb stroking the back of her hand.  I would half-heartedly do the crossword puzzle, and full listen to her breath.  It had a rhythm. IN, two, three, four – Hold, two, three, four – Out, two, three, four.  I could set my clock to it. We talked – okay I talked, but I believe she listened.  I told her of memories I had of the two us – which she may recall differently (but she was in no position to dispute me).  I asked her for help with the puzzle because she was, of course, the puzzle master.  On many occasions my Mom never even had to go to the down clues.   She humbly credited this ability to years and years of NYT Crossword puzzle doing – but truth is she was really, really smart – different than Neil smart (or Sheldon Smart I like to joke). Somehow through me clutching her hand, she sent me the answers – I swear, well I won’t swear to it, but I believe it to be true. 

Part of this time I would tell her what I was feeling in that moment. Yes, inevitably there were tears but these were made up of love and memories.  I confessed to my childhood wrongdoings, my teenage craziness, and my adult regrets (1 being a dress she and dad had me wear to a friend’s wedding – yuck…I still cringe at the picture).   And on this particular day, I explained to her that my love for her knew no boundaries, my admiration was all inclusive, and I was so thankful for all she gave me, taught me, and instilled in every cell, vein, and corpuscle in my body!  I told her we were linked – ALWAYS AND FOREVER and even death could not sever that.  And I then I cried and kissed her hand.  It took me a few minutes to regain my composer – but I did, I felt her presence at that moment – I was positive, but then it was gone and brushed it off as wishful thinking.  I thought I felt a peace, a contentment, a but I went back to my puzzle and listened to a chorus IN, two, three, four – Hold, two, three, four – Out, two, three, four.  At 6:15, Alissa sent a text,” about to take off.  Tell Grandma we love her.”  “I will” I wrote back.  Then turned to my mom, without thinking and/or looking “Lissy says they are about to take off and she loves you!” I looked at my phone it was 6:21. At that moment, I heard…IN, two, three, four——HOLD two, three…. four, five, six……….but there was no Out, two, three, four!  Did I miss it? I waited and waited, and for what seemed like forever – but was actually only 8 minutes.  The Out, two, thre, three, four never came.  As my husband and kids ascended on their fight home that day at 6:21 pm so did my mom – she escorted them as far as she could before veering off to home see my Dad.

At 6:30 pm on 6/30 I went to the nurse’s station to say, I think she is gone.  Somehow, I was able to hold it together – I swear her spirit was inside me – from all the hand holding and thumb stroking I must have enticed some of that spirit to join mine. I can’t imagine here having to socially isolate during this pandemic.  I don’t think it would have been possible for her. I can’t even imagine what her version of “social distancing” would look like. People, human connection, love, happiness, great-grandchildren, grandchildren, and friends/children (and yes I think I got the order right) were her Raison D’etre…. While I know all of us would find a way to take care of her…. I am “oddly” thankful she never had to experience this and/or see me with cancer, again.  I miss her everyday, May and June especially – but I feel her, and I here her thoughts on the pandemic, the countries leadership – and her new found crush on Governor Cuomo – I am her daughter for sure.

  1. We can no longer live in a world where the person nextdoor to you is not your concern.
  2. We can no longer live in a world where the person across from you is not your friend.
  3. We can no longer live in a world where the person behind you is someone you fear.
  4. We can no longer live in a world where the person above you believes he/she is better than you.
  5. We can no longer live in a world where the person below you is made to feel less than you.
  6. We can no longer live in a world where we do not care for one another….
  7. We are all part of the Human race, and we all share the same planet….Let’s all become Ivy, like she did, and spread joy, vitality and beauty, heart, soul, and hope!

Bernice was a sister, a friend, a savoir, a champion, a role model, a cheerleader and a comedian.  We all have a little of her in us – we just need to tap in!  Success or not – to try is the first and best step forward!  This is her Mother’s day gift to me – and I gift it to you too!

Happy Mother’s Day Mom and everyone –

@funnycancermom

The Little Things

I have 2 great nieces; a 3 yer-old and 1 who is almost 1 year. I can’t begin to explain the scrumptiousness of each and both. I just want to squeeze and or eat them up. There are a few things that prevent me from doing so – 1. (and the most obvious) I don’t eat humans, and 2. SANDY WEIL. NO, Not him Sandy Weil. This Sandy was a childhood friend of my mom. Crazy as a loon, but soooooo funny – we thought! Sandy always threatened to eat us up when we were kids – because we were so damned precious. Her words not ours. I don’t really remember it, but my brother Neil does. He said she used to bite us on the cheek every time she saw us, just ’cause we were “soooooo cute or precious or whatever she felt like saying.” Neil used to say she bit so hard she drew blood. Again, I don’t remember it, but I would never want my great nieces to have that as what their memory of me. Neil is over 60 and I believe he still winces at the thought of Sandy coming in for a piece of flesh. It seems like such a little thing – but those lttle things are the ones that seem to stick with you. I am sure Sandy never thought she would be remembered as a Vampire of sorts.

My grand neices, on the other hand, give me so many little things to make me smile – I can neverget enough. Take the other day, I got a Facetime call from Emma – the older one (and yes my niece actually made the call for her) – as the screen opened – sheer joy, excitement exploded out of her -spellinig it out phonetically is the only way to emphasize and illustrate the correct amount of cuteness that occured. “EEEE AUNT CAAWOOL AUNT CAWOOL AUNT CAWOOOL THESE AHR MY GIWAFFES BINGO AND GERRY. AUNT CAWOOOL AUNT CAWOOOL. From there it was just all nuggets of Nirvana – listening to that voice, seeing that smile, hearing that joy, I was transported and all was right with the world. Then, as if it wasn’t already goood enough, out of the corner of the screen I see a snail; arms and legs pull together, and a big bump, then arms and legs seperate and I see Hannah flat out. The little one moving with choreographed crunches and plops. Her face aglow with pride and joy as she completes the next part of the dance. Then, with what appears as perfectly planned timing she turns to the FaceTime and goos, googles, smiles, and blllllphs in my direction – and my world has become even that more joyous. The Bllllphs did it — she stared right at me and blllllphed. These two — they are geniouses — and so cute I just want to……well you know the rest of that sounds like. But more importantly – these little things can make my day – seem COVID FREE!!!! And that is really saying soething…well BIG!

I know COVID is all encompossaing. Every show, commercial, meme, fundraising effort, zoom call, business email, salutation reminds us all of that. It is hard for so many of us to combat these messages, and it may be making some of us a little harsh sometimes. Even I have had the occassional snap at you response lately. I almost always have a twinge of guilt right after – which makes it worse. But luckily I can usually pull myself back to a place where I can, once again, enjoy the little things in a Big Way.

Today my day was filled with both, little things of joy and that other side of the coin. But for now let’s only focus on the little side. My day started at 6:25 a.m.. I set my alarm so I could watch my sister-in-law do what she does best, Show ’em how business is done! It is such an amazing sensation to watch as her mind perculate and generate business ideas and platforms with”master-classes” in brilliance; and then watch that same mind turn to my great-nieces (her grandbabies of course) but this is my story so my relationship trumps hers at the moment — oh forgive the term trumps…I meant it’s all about me – oh wait thats the same thing as trump. Okay, definitely a little less of that…so let’s get back to her. She can lead the charge one minute and then scoop up these two precious gems and play play-doh and hopscotch and How Big is Hanah the next. She, too, can see the importance of the Little Things. Maybe she can even appreciate it more because she lives in such a Big world.

After watching her I came downstairs, I am not usually up and alert by 8 a.m. these days. The chemo and immunotherapy drugs I am on are commulative. Meaning the longer I am on them the more difficult the side effects become; and the more tired I feel even on days when I am feelign good. This past weekend was one of the hardest weekends I have had in any ofthe 3 cancers I have indured over the 40 years since my first cancer. Today a friend asked what is it like – when i don’t feel well. Explaining was hard These drugs make me feel small and weak -it is like having an spine wincing reaction to nails on a chalk board for 72 straight hours (no sleep, no breaks, no relief). Knowing that 72 hours has been the max it has lasted, is your goal to get to. You cope, you fidget, you deal with and wait for the “veil to lift.” And when it does….yes it is a little thing at first and then it builds and that little thing is HUGE!!!! So when I was awake and alert at 6:25 after a great nights sleep — I was ready for my happy dance – and a good LARGE cup of coffee….! I may be awake, but ever so slightly brain dead until that java hits the bloodstream.

As I sat with both hands clutching around my coffee mug, I watched a story on the Today Show about a 27 year old girl who, in February, was disagnosed with Medastatic Cancer (I think they said brain but it may have been breast – again my coffee was just beginning to hit the blood stream). What was extra ordianry about this girl (well alot was extraordinary) is that after a few cycles she was taking a break becasue of COVID and went home to her family in Ga. (She was having treatment in NY). She contracted COVID. Luckily, she recovered (I believe they said it took a month) and she arrived back in NY and is heading back to treatment. I know some may look and say oh this poor girl. But during the interview I looked right at her on the TV and I saw it. It is hard to spot, but damn if it wasn’t right there staring at me – that little thing – it was in her eye, sparkling ever so subtly — I saw it, I felt it, and even though I know I have it, I wanted more of it…..That crazy little thing called…..HOPE. That look that little sparkly said volumes. and I am now her biggest cheerleader (and instagram follwer)>

I don’t ever have a theme when I start writing my posts. I sit and my fingers decide where they want to go. Have I ever scratched or deleted a post – maybe one or two. Should I have deleted more (out of the 200 some odd that I have written – DEFINITELY) but what I write I believe. Today my fingers wantto tell you that yesterday, my nephew Cody, told me he felt I was inspiring. No one else knows this. Seems like a little thing but I can’t tell you how it touched me. I find it funny that people feel I am inspiring — I just assume people would think I am unlucky (becasue of my health history). And that taking in praise or a compliment is not in my DNA (the 1st cancer treatment definitely got rid of that years ago – but that is my own schtick and I get that). But for Cody to say it out of nowhere was really special. He is a great young man, whole loves my niece and their two girls with every muscle and tendon in his being. He has a great heart and keen desire to learn from past experiences in order to create an atmosphere of joy for his family and future. I watch Lizzy and he enjoy the little things and the little ones together – And I watch watch them share that joy and love with my twins. Who goto school right near where thye live. To watch them all together is special and life long. The little ones love their Big Cuzzins’ — an enormous gift for all!

Family is not a little thing – it is a Massive thing. I am blessed that on both sides Scott, Matt, Alissa and I are surrounded by a loving, caring, FUNNY and crazy (in a good way) group. Not being able to be with them now is, for me, the worst part of this whole COVID pandemic. While it has robbed so many of us of so much — I’ll be damned if I will let it be a petty thief and still the little things — becasue those little things are colossally important to me.

That’s my little bit of advice for the day! Make it a tremendous one!

Carol @funnycancermom

Forget Your Troubles, Come On Get Happy!!!!!

Barbra and Judy – need I say anything more

Happy Sunday everyone.

I recently watched the video of Barbra Streisand and Judy Garland singing a mash-up of “Happy Days Are Here Again” and “Forget Your Troubles”. Shocking how incredible and current it is….for so many reasons.  Just listening can bring a smile to my face.  But, the back story is also drenched in sadness. This was at the end of Judy’s career.She was at her most depressed and, unfortunately, almost at the end of her life.  Her ability to muster such greatness while facing such demons is mind-boggling to me.  Though I think many are facing this now during this period of isolation/staying at home.

It is an understatement to say that times are tough for everyone –  and that no two people are handling this pandemic, this stay at home life, this time where so much s unprecedented. But it is for that reason I thought to write a bit about the things that drive me – ways I find to cope with all that is going on in the world and in my life.  Ways that allow me to spend much of my day thinking of relationships, people, family, friends and all of those that put their life on the line every day. I think of them and I feel Love and Kindness towards them.  I want to take action and do something that can be of service for them and others.  I think – what can I do?  What is my purpose in all of this?  Do I have a gift that can I can use to help anyone – even one person, rise above the dreary.

When I was diagnosed with cancer the first time (1982) I spent weeks, maybe months miserable and confused as to “why me.”  It was no help for me.  I didn’t see it then, but I realized it when I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer in 2011.  Why?  In 1982 I was strong, but like Judy Garland – much was a facade.  I was a Sr. in college with less than 5 months left till graduation;  I knew that if I left school and came home to NY for treatment, I would never have graduated.  And that decision has changed my life forever – In good, bad and different ways. 

I did learn how to be alone and isolated – since most of my friends (not all), but most, social-distanced me out of there lives.  I was alone, away from my family pretending I was ok.  I wasn’t – but that is on me. The other way that staying in Boston changed my life was the treatment I was given.  In NY they were using Chemotherapy – new and harsh.  In Boston, they were experimenting with different Radiation Therapies including COBALT Radiation – Basically Chernoble/3-Mile Island radiation.  That alone should have scared me away, but I was sticking with staying in Boston. This boiled down to a silly notion that “you are nothing without a college degree.”  A totally shortsighted notion from my Dad (and how he felt about himself).  He was a scion of his industry so, in truth, his lack of schooling meant nothing.  

So why did this period change my life so?  Well in 2011 when I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer, I learned more about my circumstances.  My doctor, Andrew Ashikari, was extremely thorough about genetic testing and my health history and blood testing.  He went through everything with my husband, Scott, and I.  In the end, it seemed almost certain that my disease was caused or a side effect of the COBALT radiation – with no genetic links at all.  So immediately I began to again think Why Me?  But not for long — This time was different.  I had friends, family and an entire community willing to help and support me.  This is where THe Rocks were christened. 🙂 This is where the original The Cancer Made Me Do It. was born.  Somehow I had an epiphany of thoughts.  I realized looking at my past will drag me down, but setting my sights/my vision on the future Pulls me up: It lifts my spirit and gives me my sense of purpose.  The blog was started to tell others they are not alone, they can overcome; they can empower and be empowered.

Then in February of 2020, right before the country came to a halt, I was again diagnosed with cancer.  My new Dr., Sara Sadan, is also a meticulously thorough individual; and after several weeks of testing and metabolic testing on the actual mass in my chest, they too came to the belief that this Cancer is a result of the original COBALT radiation. So again I was faced with a choice.  Be mad, be angry, ask why me – or FIGHT this disease with a smile, a belief in my future, a confidence that my support system will catch me when I slip, an undeniable hope that all will be fine, and an unwavering conviction that I Can and I Will beat these odds as well.  Mind you it would be nice if this conviction would help me win the lottery as well — Just sayin’!  I get that may just be a bit greedy 🙂

So now, like most of you, I am home and isolated with my husband (you get how there is a real yin ad yang about that right?  -‘Nough said on that subject :).  I awake every morning and immediately assess my physical being.  Most days are fine, and some are not – but either way, after my physical assessment I acknowledge my emotional one.  That is my superpower, my gift, and yes, my purpose, because it is, at that moment I find another reason for gratitude, for kindness, for friendship, for family and love.  I contemplate the actions and service I can intersperse in my day.  So even in a time where we are home, we are feeling out of sorts, we are a bit adrift– allow me to offer a line to tether you to something bright and hopeful.   ME.  Because if you think of it that is all any of us has to give – We give of ourselves in whatever way we can.

Though I would be lying if I didn’t admit having limitations to my abilities.  For example – my ability to clean (keep it a secret but it is, in actuality, my desire).  My husband has been cleaning, cooking, walking the dog and other tasks that I am totally capable of – but have chosen to relinquish these activities to him.  It’s a gift to make myself believe that he enjoys folding laundry and cleaning bathrooms –!  I have also may be driving Scott a bit crazy with the shows I binge watch – some of them are toooo embarrassing to even admit to – He keeps he “can’t believe I watch such shows, can’t you see how depressing they are?”  “They aren’t real,” I respond, “But look at the stars they are gorgeous, actually the whole cast is.”  And if I am being honest, this is probably the 5th time I have watched this Friday night football series….win wink….from beginning to end, and I enjoy it every single time.

Everyone has a purpose and a gift – even the cast of Friday Night Lights and Vampire Diaries – there, I named them.  But so do you all….there is an end to all of this, there is a light.  Wake up every day and believe that!  Assess you vision and reach for it!  Soon you will realize that the journey to positivity is no longer because, you have arrived at that place.  Your journey can start today if you want!!!!

I am your cheerleader in this – I know you can, you will –everyone watch and see the transformation….

Have a great day!

Carol A

@funnycancermom

In Honor of My Rocks!

Webster’s Dictionary defines Rocks as: a solid mineral material forming part of the earth; or a kind of hard confectionary in the form of cylindrical flavored sticks; or a precious stone especially a diamond, and for some reason Websters also has it listed a piece of Crack Cocaine as a Rock – I guess that is commion knowledge — not to me but not all rocks are created equal, I guess. Take mine for example, I have other Rocks – as my family, and I rave about them often….But these girls – They are SPECIAL IN SO MANYY WAYS and I just need to tell you about them! Their is such great beauty and majesty in them just like the header picture — and I want to honor them today!

In not specific order, I starat with My friend Wendy. She and I have been through Cancer together. She and her Husband Doug, have been our friends since 1999. We were neighbors and attached – literally. We lived on opposite ends of the same townhouse Unit. And it has been just a special relationship on so many levels. We have shared such joy, such laughter and sadly some great losses. But we have come through in all 0f them – and now share a bond of great love, friendship caring and laughter. She also kows my oncologist – whois soooo Lovely but has some really funny quirks and wit hWendy we laugh about them., we talk about the stories and she gives me advice on how to deal with her. I can make jokes about things that happen at treatment – and she gets it! And my dog Nelly adores them since Doug (Wendy’s husband) ventured into a Trader Joe’s accross from his office, to get Nelly her favorite Chicken Wrap Bones….and me my favorite frozen spinach pies. Can you say “Savior.” 🙂 Wendall – you are my purple/amethyst rock that I carry with me every day!!

Wendy’s Healing Stones I have keptsince 2010

Next is my friend Jen. She is an abudance of laughter and fun and giggles. We meet because her oldest and my twins made an instantaneous bond the first day of pre-school. Wereven began talking of my son and her daughter’s marriage pretty quickly…They loved being together – day after day. We just did so much together. As the kids played, we talked, we laughed and we discovered new areas we had in common. We took the girls to concerts – the Jonas Berothers was a huge get for our girls…I think we were 5th row center atthe Prudentioal center -loads of “mommy points” for her andI on that one! Jen’s smile and warmth is just so enveloping —I can feel every emotion she feels pass right into me! it’s infectious. Even though now we do that virtually – it still works. And I appreciate so and lover her for it! And I can’t forget to give a shoult out to here husband Rick who aslo make my husband laugh — much needed!!!!!!

The next is a group of 3 that I have know since the very early 1980’s (one since 1979) but these three have seen me go through Cancer 3 times. And they have never faultered. They have always been there – and I don’t mean just physically – I mean emotionally, familiarly,friendshilply (probably not a word but you get what i mean) and now every morning we are together via Marco Polo. We talk abourt the day, the isolation, the Netflix finds we all need to see, the funny meme’s, the online concerts for free, Cooking tips from Lisa, WWHL and Bravo info from Lauren, Seminar and Broadway info from Amy (in California) – Amy is our insomniac — she is usually 1st on on Marco Polo in the Morning and she is three hours behind us! She was the one that starts he Marco Polo every moring with “The Covid Chronicles Day …..” The picture of us on top was from a trip to see the redwoods in California….Lauren couldn’t make it, but that did stop us – we are a team — So we found a way to bring Flat Lauren (inspired by Flat Stanley) She eat and shopped and toured with us everywhere – she even had time alone on the beach….And know they are there for me again. On Moarco Polo encouraging me, keeping me smiling and just being what I need true support – I love you!

Beach Day

The last – and by no means least are Elaine and Amy. They both deserve their own but we are a team – we are a group – we are Rocks for each other. These 2 women can make anything good, they can turn any situation into a positve and they can light up any day – no matter what.
Small gestures, Big funny moments, family meals (and I mean family – sometimes it is all the kids in-laws and kids friends/boyfriends), impromptu runs to Costco, Bed, Bath and Beyond, Stew Lenards, CVS, Walk with dogs, or just a glass of wine — ok lots of wine — these two are all that and more. Amy is also a hero. She is an ER nurse now working in on the frontlines at a Hospital in Yonkers. I can sense the exhaustion, she is plagued with. And I feel for her. She is dedicatied and positive, and funny, and lovely – but this is hard on anyone – so being as dedication as she is – is just incredible. Elaine is also someone to be admired and respected. She is smart, funny, gifted and giving. She has two great sons that are back . Her Mother-in-law is with them as well + 2 dogs Gina and Ginger – who we love – WELL my Nelly finds them annoying, so in a way the social distancing is making Nelly happy. for that matter Nelly isn’t a fan of Sydney either (Amy’s dog) Is it possible Nelly is a Bitch and a Snob. Oy! These two women have been there for me in every need, and unfortunatley their have been to many – the loss of my Dad and Mom, and my Breast Cancer, and other less tragic – But more importantly they have been there for the joy – the graduations, the birthdays, the holidays, outings to concerts, and pool days, and dinners, and food (SO MUCH FOOD), and smiles and laughter — even now through it all they make me laugh – from a safe distance of course. I could not survive with out these two. They are my foundational rocks for sure……I have no wasy to describe my love for them! YOU ROCK! Rocks

I woke up this morning feelig grateful. Times are hard. Everyday they news seems dreary…but the truth is, their is still joy and still happiness out there — It may be harder to find — but you can do it! Don’t look at the negative…that is easy to find – it is a little harder but look for the good, the happy, the hope know move away from the dreary! Their is an end to this, their is a light at the end of this road….collectively we can raise each others spirit through many ways…..I love you all, and I believe in your spirit! Look up, We can! We will! Watch us — Rocks are hard to destroy!!!!!! We are Diamonds – let’s shine collectiviely

Let’s speak soon,

Carol

@funnycancermom