The Little Things

I have 2 great nieces; a 3 yer-old and 1 who is almost 1 year. I can’t begin to explain the scrumptiousness of each and both. I just want to squeeze and or eat them up. There are a few things that prevent me from doing so – 1. (and the most obvious) I don’t eat humans, and 2. SANDY WEIL. NO, Not him Sandy Weil. This Sandy was a childhood friend of my mom. Crazy as a loon, but soooooo funny – we thought! Sandy always threatened to eat us up when we were kids – because we were so damned precious. Her words not ours. I don’t really remember it, but my brother Neil does. He said she used to bite us on the cheek every time she saw us, just ’cause we were “soooooo cute or precious or whatever she felt like saying.” Neil used to say she bit so hard she drew blood. Again, I don’t remember it, but I would never want my great nieces to have that as what their memory of me. Neil is over 60 and I believe he still winces at the thought of Sandy coming in for a piece of flesh. It seems like such a little thing – but those lttle things are the ones that seem to stick with you. I am sure Sandy never thought she would be remembered as a Vampire of sorts.

My grand neices, on the other hand, give me so many little things to make me smile – I can neverget enough. Take the other day, I got a Facetime call from Emma – the older one (and yes my niece actually made the call for her) – as the screen opened – sheer joy, excitement exploded out of her -spellinig it out phonetically is the only way to emphasize and illustrate the correct amount of cuteness that occured. “EEEE AUNT CAAWOOL AUNT CAWOOL AUNT CAWOOOL THESE AHR MY GIWAFFES BINGO AND GERRY. AUNT CAWOOOL AUNT CAWOOOL. From there it was just all nuggets of Nirvana – listening to that voice, seeing that smile, hearing that joy, I was transported and all was right with the world. Then, as if it wasn’t already goood enough, out of the corner of the screen I see a snail; arms and legs pull together, and a big bump, then arms and legs seperate and I see Hannah flat out. The little one moving with choreographed crunches and plops. Her face aglow with pride and joy as she completes the next part of the dance. Then, with what appears as perfectly planned timing she turns to the FaceTime and goos, googles, smiles, and blllllphs in my direction – and my world has become even that more joyous. The Bllllphs did it — she stared right at me and blllllphed. These two — they are geniouses — and so cute I just want to……well you know the rest of that sounds like. But more importantly – these little things can make my day – seem COVID FREE!!!! And that is really saying soething…well BIG!

I know COVID is all encompossaing. Every show, commercial, meme, fundraising effort, zoom call, business email, salutation reminds us all of that. It is hard for so many of us to combat these messages, and it may be making some of us a little harsh sometimes. Even I have had the occassional snap at you response lately. I almost always have a twinge of guilt right after – which makes it worse. But luckily I can usually pull myself back to a place where I can, once again, enjoy the little things in a Big Way.

Today my day was filled with both, little things of joy and that other side of the coin. But for now let’s only focus on the little side. My day started at 6:25 a.m.. I set my alarm so I could watch my sister-in-law do what she does best, Show ’em how business is done! It is such an amazing sensation to watch as her mind perculate and generate business ideas and platforms with”master-classes” in brilliance; and then watch that same mind turn to my great-nieces (her grandbabies of course) but this is my story so my relationship trumps hers at the moment — oh forgive the term trumps…I meant it’s all about me – oh wait thats the same thing as trump. Okay, definitely a little less of that…so let’s get back to her. She can lead the charge one minute and then scoop up these two precious gems and play play-doh and hopscotch and How Big is Hanah the next. She, too, can see the importance of the Little Things. Maybe she can even appreciate it more because she lives in such a Big world.

After watching her I came downstairs, I am not usually up and alert by 8 a.m. these days. The chemo and immunotherapy drugs I am on are commulative. Meaning the longer I am on them the more difficult the side effects become; and the more tired I feel even on days when I am feelign good. This past weekend was one of the hardest weekends I have had in any ofthe 3 cancers I have indured over the 40 years since my first cancer. Today a friend asked what is it like – when i don’t feel well. Explaining was hard These drugs make me feel small and weak -it is like having an spine wincing reaction to nails on a chalk board for 72 straight hours (no sleep, no breaks, no relief). Knowing that 72 hours has been the max it has lasted, is your goal to get to. You cope, you fidget, you deal with and wait for the “veil to lift.” And when it does….yes it is a little thing at first and then it builds and that little thing is HUGE!!!! So when I was awake and alert at 6:25 after a great nights sleep — I was ready for my happy dance – and a good LARGE cup of coffee….! I may be awake, but ever so slightly brain dead until that java hits the bloodstream.

As I sat with both hands clutching around my coffee mug, I watched a story on the Today Show about a 27 year old girl who, in February, was disagnosed with Medastatic Cancer (I think they said brain but it may have been breast – again my coffee was just beginning to hit the blood stream). What was extra ordianry about this girl (well alot was extraordinary) is that after a few cycles she was taking a break becasue of COVID and went home to her family in Ga. (She was having treatment in NY). She contracted COVID. Luckily, she recovered (I believe they said it took a month) and she arrived back in NY and is heading back to treatment. I know some may look and say oh this poor girl. But during the interview I looked right at her on the TV and I saw it. It is hard to spot, but damn if it wasn’t right there staring at me – that little thing – it was in her eye, sparkling ever so subtly — I saw it, I felt it, and even though I know I have it, I wanted more of it…..That crazy little thing called…..HOPE. That look that little sparkly said volumes. and I am now her biggest cheerleader (and instagram follwer)>

I don’t ever have a theme when I start writing my posts. I sit and my fingers decide where they want to go. Have I ever scratched or deleted a post – maybe one or two. Should I have deleted more (out of the 200 some odd that I have written – DEFINITELY) but what I write I believe. Today my fingers wantto tell you that yesterday, my nephew Cody, told me he felt I was inspiring. No one else knows this. Seems like a little thing but I can’t tell you how it touched me. I find it funny that people feel I am inspiring — I just assume people would think I am unlucky (becasue of my health history). And that taking in praise or a compliment is not in my DNA (the 1st cancer treatment definitely got rid of that years ago – but that is my own schtick and I get that). But for Cody to say it out of nowhere was really special. He is a great young man, whole loves my niece and their two girls with every muscle and tendon in his being. He has a great heart and keen desire to learn from past experiences in order to create an atmosphere of joy for his family and future. I watch Lizzy and he enjoy the little things and the little ones together – And I watch watch them share that joy and love with my twins. Who goto school right near where thye live. To watch them all together is special and life long. The little ones love their Big Cuzzins’ — an enormous gift for all!

Family is not a little thing – it is a Massive thing. I am blessed that on both sides Scott, Matt, Alissa and I are surrounded by a loving, caring, FUNNY and crazy (in a good way) group. Not being able to be with them now is, for me, the worst part of this whole COVID pandemic. While it has robbed so many of us of so much — I’ll be damned if I will let it be a petty thief and still the little things — becasue those little things are colossally important to me.

That’s my little bit of advice for the day! Make it a tremendous one!

Carol @funnycancermom